Wow. So the hottest part of this week’s episode of “Glee” was obviously… I mean, my mind was totally blown when… Hm. Okay, at least one redeeming quality was…
(Insert cricket noise here.)
Argh, I hate it when there’s nothing very positive to say about the show. It’s not like I want to waste my usual Tuesday night post-”Glee” high dishing up some snarky rant about how the episode bummed me out with its profound suckitude. But to be honest, when Mercedes coined the phrase “Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza” she could have replace the first four words with “Glee Alcohol Awareness Episode” and that would pretty much cover it.
Here’s how it went down: Principal Figgins declared that WMHS would have an alcohol awareness week after students kept showing up to school all drunk and disorderly. Thus he enlisted Mr. Schue and New Directions to perform at an assembly. Because everyone knows students really look to the glee club for social guidance.
Meanwhile Rachel was hard at work writing a song about her headband that in her mind was a lock for first place at Regionals. Basically, she had no inspiration because she hadn’t lived! It’s the classic excuse a writer uses to do crazy stuff. In order to pen her own “Both Sides Now,” she decided to throw a wild party – with alcohol – while her dads were out of town. And she decided to wear her Bubbe’s seafoam-green nightgown for the occasion.
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Once the party got going, everyone got trashed except designated driver Finn and Kurt, who was trying to save face in front of Blaine. That’s gay Blaine, who ended up making out with Rachel during a game of spin-the-bottle (“your face tastes awesome”), and who later proceeded to commit the cardinal sin of dueting with her in front of Kurt and everyone. I concede that their version of “Don’t You Want Me” by The Human League was pretty cute.
Also at the party, Finn introduced Rachel to the different varieties of drunk: weepy, angry, stripper (did that make anyone else uncomfortable, given how old Brittany’s supposed to be?), happy, and clingy. Guess which one Rachel was?
The aftermath of the party was that the glee kids basically decided booze was the best cure for hangovers and would ensure a stellar performance at the assembly. I’ll bet you can’t imagine where this is going. At this point, in my house we began placing bets on who would hurl first. It was Brittany, followed by Santana. There was actually less barfing than I predicted. I was prepared for an epic chunkfest, Sandlot-style.
Then WMHS became the Land of No Consequences, as Figgins thought the vomit was fake and commended the club for shocking the students into submission. Schue knew better, though, and got all the kids to sign contracts saying they wouldn’t drink until after Nationals, and that if they did, they’d call him for a safe ride home.
The weird part was that Schue was sort of implied to be a problem drinker after one night of getting soused with Coach Beiste. True, he did attempt to drunk-dial Emma and accidentally left a steamy… well, slurry message with Sue instead. But I thought his insistence that the best way to handle it was to give up drinking was a little extreme.
Oh, and remember that Blaine-Rachel thing? Well they had a date, which Kurt got super aggravated about. Blaine rightly told him off for not supporting him when he was just trying to figure himself out. Fortunately for us and hopefully Kurt, he figured out that he and Rachel really have no chemistry because he’s gay… so basically it was a plot that was neatly wrapped up in one episode. That’s true of pretty much everything that happened this week.
Were you as down on this episode as I was? Here are the few silver linings I managed to find:
Best musical number: The pre-puke “Tik Tok” by Ke-dollar-sign-ha (ie, Kei$ha) was smokin.’ Heather Morris outdid herself.
Best Sue-ism: “My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit.” Runner-up: “There’s nobody lining up to coach glee clubs because it’s a sucky job for losers.”
Best Brittany line: “Ke$ha has been a cultural icon for weeks, and I really want to do her music justice.”
Best Santana street-speak: “A reminder. I owns that guppy mouth.”
And some of the other things we could use an intervention from:
Worst musical number: It wasn’t horrible, but Schue and Beiste’s “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” had no spark.
Lowest blow: Sue playing Schue’s voicemail over the school intercom was extra mean! Also, in what school does an athletic coach just get to make extended announcements whenever she sees fit?
Unnecessary playing of the gay card: Kurt’s not stupid. So why did he turn his dad’s simple request into a homophobic thing when it wasn’t? His dad was being cooler about the sleepover and the drinking than a lot of parents were. Uncharacteristic immaturity on Kurt’s part.