‘Bachelor’ Recap: One Black Eye and a Trail of Tears

by | January 25, 2011 at 9:31 AM | The Bachelor

The Bachelor (ABC)

The Bachelor (ABC)

In last night’s “Bachelor” installment, we saw Brad 2.0 coming to grips with his sexual emotional freedom! Although he reassured many of the ladies that his package had a special tingle for each, his boundless affection for all made all feel not-so-special…well, except for Michelle (but mentally unstable stalkers don’t really count).

While tears and jealousy flooded the yummy-time mansion, Brad seemed like the lone happy wolf whose voyage of self-discovery and tonsil hockey was blossoming to no end.

Here are the highlights of his breakthroughs and the lady contestants’ breakdowns:

Black Out
Michelle wakes up at the bunny mansion and gets the surprise of her life! She’s got a black eye! As she flutters about frantically to tell the girls about her mysterious (albeit karmic) wound, the producers protectively hide Chris Harrison from her sight as he ices his fist and high-fives the camera men with bursts of hyena cackles.

Welcome to the Abyss
For their first one-on-one date, Brad takes Chantal O. in—what else?—a helicopter! If that doesn’t scare the jeggings off of her, Mr. Blondie whisks her away to Catalina Island and forces her to walk the ocean floor. They see fishies! Yellow seaweed! Iron chains! And cast members from the movie Cocoon! Hurray!

At dinner the lovebirds carry the most scintillating conversation, expressing their affection in poetic terms such as this:

Chantal O.: “I like you a lot.”
Brad: “I like you a lot, too.”

They exchange saliva passionately, and like a scene from Prince’s Purple Rain, romantic rain drops start pecking their giant heads! With the most strained voice (as if he’s really holding in a boat-load of gas from lunch), Brad tells Miss I’m-So-Tough that he’s crazy about her and offers her the coveted rose. She accepts, and the two traipse into the tented area and make out like donkeys in heat.

Love Rehab With Dr. Drew
On the group date, Brad’s aim is to make the girls spill all their dirty laundry and shiver with vulnerability with help from VH1’s Dr. Drew! For their first test, Dr. Drew asks if any of the girls have ever cheated. Although all the ladies’ arms jerk up an inch in reaction, only one unfortunate soul—Stacey—decides to tell the truth about her crazy college days…(she leaves out her other memories of participating in wet t-shirt contests and threesomes.)

For dinner Bradinsky takes the gals back to his pad for an endless buffet of imitation crab-filled sushi and hot tub time! While they chill in the warm fizzy waters, Ashley H. starts to have hot flashes of frustration! She wants Brad all to herself, and the sight of the other barracudas whispering sweet nothings in his ear canal is driving her insane!

Meanwhile, Britt (a.k.a. Tinkerbell) tries to be as sincere and cute as ever, telling the buzzed-out Braddy-cakes that she has a “crush” on him. Awww. As their tongues dance around in each other’s pie holes, Ashley H.’s cheat-o-meter goes off. She slaps on her dentures and rushes over to tell him she feels like pulling back her Grinch heart.

Although it appears that Brad might’ve planned on giving the immunity rose to her., once Ash H. has a hissy fit in the hot tub, he seems to change his mind and instead gives it to Britt.

Scaling Down Walls With Fatal Attraction
Before Brad-on-cu-lous takes Michelle out for their one-on-one, he takes nutty Ashley H. outside to reassure her that he wants to make out with her as much as he does the other girls. Inside, Michelle whines that Ash’s drama is taking up her time with her man. Having had enough of Miss Fatal Attraction’s antics, Chantal O. puts her in her place and reminds her that she did exactly the same thing on the PSA group date. Touché.

“If I don’t get the rose because Brad was still dealing with Ashley H.’s issues, I would elbow [her] in the face,” says Michelle to the camera while kindly illustrating for us the elbow smackdown motion. You so crazzay, Michelle!

But Missy Moo has taller things to worry about—like scaling down a skyscraper! The lovebirds shiver in their tight undies but make it down in one piece just in time for din din.

“I don’t personally see you with any of them…I see you with me,” she forcefully says as evil flashes over her eyes.

After she plops some hallucinogens in Brad’s glass of champagne, he offers her the rose. They make out in slow-mo, giving us the opportunity to stare at her deeply set nasolabial folds…

Spreading His Love
After having a fantastic two-minute therapy session with his faux therapist, Brad feels completely validated in making out with any girl his baby-maker has affection for. After he sucks Shawntel N.’s face at the cocktail party, he ballerina twirls over to Emily and reveals a pillow-blanky-champagne set he’s put together just for the two of them! The girls’ jaws drop and quiet thoughts of how to beat up Emily’s Southern arse abound. Chantal O.’s eyes puff up from a bout of Niagara Falls, but she manages to keep her lovely Cover Girl eyes intact.

Pushing Out the Minorities
In the end, Bradinsky rejects the last two remaining She-Men—Stacey and Meghan—and the one and only ginger—lovely Lindsay.

Highlights from Next Episode
Las Vegas! Race car driving with ugly blue uniforms! Emily’s trauma! More jealousy! More tantrums! Waaah!