‘Jersey Shore’ Season Premiere Scores ENORMOUS Ratings

by | January 7, 2011 at 3:12 PM | Jersey Shore, Recap

Sammi on Jersey Shore (MTV)

Sammi on Jersey Shore (MTV)

UPDATED: Thursday’s third season premiere of “Jersey Shore” attracted 8.4 million viewers (according to Nielsen), making it MTV’s highest rated telecast ever! The episode scored more young viewers (12-34) than any other broadcast or cable television show this season, with the exclusion of sports. Below, read about what went down in the premiere.

Thursday night’s “Jersey Shore” premiere was like a “Jerry Springer” fest in slow-mo: There was screaming, nudity, violence, and almost some inbreeding. All that was missing were missing teeth.

So who was the biggest monster in this first installment? Sammi—the Not-So-Sweetheart.

Here’s a step-by-step look at the evening’s festivities that led Sammi to get her chunka monka pummeled like a piñata at a five-year-old’s birthday party.

Step 1: Taking the 3-bedroom top-floor room for herself and her Koopa Troopa boyfriend.
Sure, the early bird gets the worm, but when all your girl roommates see you as the worm, then you don’t have any business taking the best room in the house.

Step 2: Chewing gum.
There’s something about Sammi’s saliva—combined with chewing gum—that releases a strong toxin called Ego Booster, which prompts delusions of grandeur and invincibility.

Step 3: Inaudible greetings to the New Girl.
When Sammi’s heavily shadowed bug eyes focus on her split ends as she barely says ‘hi’ to Snooki’s BFF, it put a spark in the Little Orangina’s mind on how to use olive oil in a new way (i.e. rubbing it on her fists and face)! Whuzzz up!!!

Overheard On ‘Jersey Shore’: The 12 Best Quotes From The Season Three Premiere

Step 4: Refusing to reveal her residency.
So what if ‘Hazlet’ sounds like a place where witches come from—that’s all Sammi had to say! Even if she said she was from Quebec, NJ, Deena would’ve believed her. But now that she’s purposely avoided her friendly question, Deena’s lost her “walking holiday” personality, and she’s about to get saucy like an overstuffed “meatball”!

Step 5: Walking away while the New Girl is talking.
Sammi’s not designed to be snob; she’s a guidette. The two can’t crossover. But Sammi likes to pretend a lot and play princess, so she conspicuously takes her elliptical-trained calves to another room as the New Girl is slurring in mid-sentence, causing her to look like an embarrassed drunken Gloria Estefan in need of a Conga Beat.

Step 6: Laughing in the New Girl’s face.
Does this need any explanation? This is the most ginormous provocation! Never mind that Deena’s looking like a foolish horn-dog as she begs The Situation’s Situation to cuddle with her “Kooh-Kah”—that doesn’t give Sammi any right to laugh in her face! Whaaaat?!!!

Step 7: Taunting the New Girl and then calling Snooki a “backstabbing b-tch.”
Oh, now Sam’s done it. Not only does she continue to laugh in Deena’s face and provoke the girl to slur and scream more out of frustration, she brings Don Ron into it and gets him to say that Snooki’s a “loser from Poughkeepsie”! WTFFFFF!

Once the “meatball” duo begin to attack her like rabid “squirrel monkeys,” it signals gruff Mama Bear (a.k.a. JWoww) to get in on the action! The intimidating giant soars up into Sammi’s grill! Sammi throws the first air punch! JWoww ducks and slams a left hook into Sammi’s face and then KABOOM! The frantic, cellulite-jiggling battle begins! Ding ding ding! (Meanwhile, the boys stare wide-eyed and pass the popcorn…)

Were you surprised by Sammi’s actions? What did you think of the “Jersey Shore” premiere?