In a little more than 24 hours, ABC’s season premiere of “The Bachelor” (8/7c) will drown you with eye-batting coquettes who are itching to throw themselves at Brad Womack! Are you ready for the estrogen anarchy?
For those of you who can’t wait to watch the catty competition come to juicy fruition, we wanted to give you a sampling of the types of ladies out to get Braddy’s heart.
‘The Guy’s Girl’ – These prototypes may physically look female but actually possess an imbalanced level of testosterone, which runs through their veins, into their brains, and all the way down to their invisible family jewels. In essence, the Guy’s Girl is allergic to making girlfriends. When they’re surrounded by a group of hoity toity, giggly chickadees, they become suspicious and highly agitated and claim they just get along better with dudes. When threatened, they become paranoid and arrogant and are prone to diva-ish fits with a lot of eye-rolling. (Prime Example: Vienna Girardi…but her eye-rolling only involved one eye.)
Get To Know This Season’s Eligible Bachelorettes Below:
‘The Fatal Attraction Maneaters’ – These ladies are aggressive, cat-clawing, and predatory. When they see a boy toy worth salivating over, their unfertilized eggs go into a frenzy and they charge swiftly to stake their claim! They tend to be unapologetic for their obsessive behavior and believe that their sheer will to get a man to love them is a form of Love Potion #9. When things aren’t going their way, they quickly become sour pusses, manipulative, and their psychosis even more evident. In a nutshell, they’re control freak-fests! (Prime Example: Michelle ‘Gonna-Getcha!’ Kujawa)
‘The Green Machines’ – It’s all rainbows and fairy dust for these dreamy girls! They love the idea of love and believe that their knight in shining armor will save them from living a life of dreadful independence! Ever since they were tweens, they’ve dreamed of having a houseful of babies and being an upstanding PTA member. You’ll recognize them by their naivete, their high-pitched voices, their syrupy sweetness, and the ease in which they can befriend even the biatchiest girls. (Prime Example: Tenley ‘Hee-Hee!’ Molzahn)
‘The Dark Madams’ – These ladies are the complicated type. They’ve got a dark side, and men can’t help but be lured by their inner bad. They’re sexy, manipulative, and can balance their masculine and feminine energy with perfection. They are game players, and in this season, they like to sharpen their teeth in attempt to larp out the Twilight series to no end! (See: Vampire Girl in premiere.) They’ll suck the blood right outta you and keep you begging for more—if you don’t watch out! Mwah. ha. ha. ha. (Prime Example: Elizabeth Kitt, a.k.a. The ‘Kovacs’ Girl)
Do you think manly man Brad could fall for one of these types? Are there any more that we missed?