Chocolate-Coated Shoving: The Soap Fight Club

by | December 13, 2010 at 10:19 AM | Deep Soap

Y&R's chocolate tussle (CBS)

Y&R's chocolate tussle (CBS)

The New Fight Club

On tonight’s fight card, it is Llanview’s Dr. Marty “physician heal thyself” Saybrooke versus Natalie “This is how we do it in the A.C.” Buchanan, followed by Genoa City’s Phyllis “pen is mightier than the sword” Newman versus Sharon “I am just a girl who can’t say no” Newman.   There is also the weigh-in for the Llanview men’s title bout as Robert “I really want you to like me” Ford challenged his father Eddie “deliciously evil” Ford to a Get Out of Town bout.

Battle #1: Natalie versus Marty
Setting: 9
Below-the-Belt Verbal Barbs: 10
Motivation: 10
Trash Talk: 10
Actual Fighting: 5

The Natalie (Melissa Archer) versus Marty (Susan Haskell) showdown on ‘One Life To Live‘ gets points for originality. I have never seen a catfight that began with one woman interrupting a therapy session.  Given that Marty wrote Inez (Jessica Leccia) a prescription for sleeping pills before she even found out what was bothering her, I think it’s safe to say that Marty should not be practicing medicine while she is insane.

Natalie, rightfully angry that Marty stole a copy of her paternity test results, just barged into her office, with no regard for patient confidentiality with a “You and me, right now.”  I love how Natalie turns into a middle school girl who just caught someone else passing a note to her boyfriend whenever she gets angry.

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The battle of the HIPAA violations was on.  Marty claimed she had every right to snoop into Natalie’s medical files and bust her for lying about the father of her baby because Natalie has taken everything from her.  Natalie accurately pointed out, “I did not make your son commit murder.”   After Natalie slapped Marty, Marty made a move to slap her back.  Natalie grabbed her arm and warned Marty, “Slap me once, shame on you. Slap me twice, I will kick your ass, Marty.”  It was the non sequitur that made it golden.  If Natalie gets tired of being a CSI, she has a bright future in professional wrestling.

There was a nice reversal when Marty pointed out that she might dangle the secret over Natalie’s head for years, revealing that Brody was the father of her baby at the moment it would cause maximum damage.  Since Natalie knows how to handle a blackmailer (perhaps she should be the one counseling Inez), she just told Marty she would come clean with John and cut her off at the knees.  But not before stooping incredibly low and suggesting that Cole became a murderer because Marty was a lousy mother.  Nobody is more Team Natalie than I am, but that was going too far.

Battle #2: Phyllis versus Sharon
Setting: 9
Below-the-Belt Verbal Barbs: 8
Motivation: 5
Trash Talk: 5
Actual Fighting: 7

Friday when ‘The Young & the Restless’s‘ Phyllis (Michelle Stafford), who never met a skintight dress with cutouts that she didn’t like, turned up wearing a tasteful high-necked beige dress appropriate for a legal secretary, I knew something was up.  Sure enough, Phyllis and Sharon (Sharon Case) ended up tussling at a benefit for an organization that buys Christmas presents for underprivileged children. ‘Tis the season!

Watch The Chocolate Fight Below:

Sharon was furious that Phyllis wrote an article  for Restless Style that basically called her a crazy slut, although I was not that impressed with the motivation.  Now that both women have jettisoned Nick, I am not sure why they are still rivals.  Phyllis is just hating on Sharon for the fun of it at this point. I am also unclear why Phyllis can get a hatchet job about Sharon published.  Who is reading Restless Style?  Would anyone really read what seems to be a Vanity Fair-type publication about random wealthy people in a small town in Wisconsin?

But Sharon and Phyllis get points for pushing each other into a chocolate fountain.  The messy fight that ensued was like highbrow mud wrestling.  It was also a waste of delicious chocolate.  Phyllis did get in one memorably vicious barb when she told Sharon that Faith “should be back with Ashley, because that woman really cared about your daughter.” Ouch.

Battle #3: Robert Ford versus His Big, Bad Daddy
Setting: 3
Below-the-Belt Verbal Barbs: 4
Motivation: 7
Trash Talk: 6
Actual Fighting: 1

This was the only actual boxing match.   ‘One Life to Live’s Robert (David Gregory), who had never boxed before, challenged his father to a fight.  If he won, Eddie (John Wesley Shipp) would leave Llanview. From my standpoint, this was an inherently flawed plan because Eddie is the only Ford that I want to stick around.

He is both deliciously evil and hilarious.  Eddie was busy kidnapping Nora (Hillary Smith) at Clint’s (Jerry Ver Dorn) behest, making sexual innuendos so lewd that I am amazed Standards and Practices allowed them, but he still made time for the fight.  What a multi-tasker!

There were two good things about this bout:  1) Christian and Brody agreed to train Robert, necessitating lots of gratuitous shirtlessness from two of the show’s hottest guys. 2) Robert got repeatedly punched in the face.   If the most callow of the Ford brothers is going to continue to get a disproportionate amount of air time, he might as well be getting a beating.  Nate (Lenny Platt) suggested Robert cheat, showing that he is every bit as willing to bend the rules as his brothers or his nemesis Matthew.  Eddie ended up postponing the fight because Clint ordered him to move Nora.  That was disappointingly anti-climactic.