On November 2, bookstores around the country will have a Situation on their hands. Alas, ‘Jersey Shore‘ ringleader Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will be releasing his 133-page literary masterpiece, Here’s the Situation, which helps us better understand the complexity and art of being guido. (And if you don’t know how to read, that’s okay—there are lots of pictures!)
Because we wanted to get our giggles on, here are some lines we picked out from his book and our translation of them. Enjoy!
Who cares what some gorilla thinks while he’s watching you vibe on the floor? Why is some dude looking at you, anyway?
Real translation: I secretly like it when a gorilla looks at me on the dance floor. I like it a lot.
My only system when I shop for fresh apparel is my own primal reaction to what I see, the moment I see it.
Real translation: My system involves grabbing everything off the racks, ripping the security tags off with my bare teeth, and running out the door.
On being famous:
One day at the mall, my boys and I decided to pop into The Cheesecake Factory for a quick bite.
Real translation: Ever since I became mega-famous, I only eat at sophisticated elitist food establishments such as this.
By the way, The Unit, who was my college roommate, is almost always at my side. He has got mad game all his own and there’s not doubt that America will be seeing much more of him very shortly.
Real translation: For anyone to pay attention to you and take you seriously, you must name yourself after a circumstance or quantity.
Check out The Situation’s Philosophy On Burning Bridges:
Nine out of then times, the grenade is a grenade because she’s ugly and fat. She’s mad at you and at life because everyone is more interested in her hot friend.
Real translation: I was beaten up by ugly fat girls in middle school, and now I’m getting my revenge by calling them an explosive—which represents my anger.
Whenever you attempt to do something extraordinary in your life, whenever you put yourself out there in an attempt to succeed and in turn risk falling flat on your face, there are going to be people on the sidelines second-guessing you and making fun of you as a mechanism to disguise their own fear and envy for the life they’re watching you achieve. Those people are called haters. Attention, haters: It’s been a lot longer than fifteen minutes.
Real translation: How you like me now, Mom and Dad!
Now that you’ve got a taste of The Sitch’s tome, will you go out and buy it? Perhaps a holiday stocking stuffer for Gramps?