In last night’s installment of the ‘Real Housewives of D.C.,’ we learned some mind-blowing lessons: Facebook can’t solve the world’s problems; fashion can bolster the relations of two countries but can’t do diddly squat for Cat and Erika; and last but not least, Michaele is not human—she’s a silly cartoon character.
I’ve been eagerly counting down to the season finale since the second episode aired! And that day is a comin!
Before Tareq eats the Little Missus for dinner, here are the scintillating highlights!
With the help of Jason, Stacie nervously sends her white step brother an email through Facebook in the hopes that he’ll be able to get her one step closer to her birth father. To the couple’s misfortune, the message reads something shady like “you won’t believe our relations” and then offers a phone number to call.
A week passes and there’s no response from Stacie’s step bro, who most likely believes that the note was a mass email distributed from a porno site.
But when one door closes, another opens! Plan B: Pluck an employee from the Nigerian Embassy and play Blues Clues on a photo that Stacie brought of her daddy! And like magic—POOF! The Nigerian worker has oodles of connections and promises to get more info through a well-connected professor! Yippie skippy! Stacie’s one step closer to ruining her birth mother’s life!
Eating: A New-found Interest
The more Michaele speaks, the more we realize that starvation affects the brain in horrific ways.
“‘I wasn’t into eating at all—I learned that through you!” she most appropriately says to her chubby hubby Tareq! Whisked away to the country side in a limo, the two stroll down memory lane and attend a fancy schmancy restaurant that they had gone to on their first date. “Look at that! A little baked potato!” Michaele exclaims with delight. Yes, food is good. Food is not the enemy.
Payed by Bravo to pretend they’re friends with the Salahis, a couple sits and chats with them about the Polo Club. Tareq tells them that India will be playing them next, and since President Obama is hosting India at The State Dinner, surely this means that the Salahis are invited! “This is probably the most significant State Dinner that we could attend, that we should attend,” Tareq says with red curry dripping down the corners of his mouth.
The Evil Are Not Welcome
Meanwhile, Lynda gets ready for the Burkina Faso fashion show she helped put together. Through a series of scary generous smiles to the security guards, she relays the message that the Salahis better not get past the front door—should they try to crash the event. To ensure the night is most auspicious, she summons her slave girl assistant to bring her astrological chart and then tosses some dried frog legs over her shoulder for good luck.
“Lynda is so jealous of me…I’m the prettiest, I’m the hottest, and I have the most friends. I’m Miss DC” says Michaele, as we search for a 1-800 number to pop up on the screen to sponsor her nutritional needs.
Preparing to Crash
Getting ready to breach national security entails looking your best! Hours before The State Dinner, Michaele and Tareq go to an upscale salon.
As she’s getting dolled up, Michaele spills the beans and tells her makeup artist where she and Tareq are going and says she sure hopes Oprah will be there! In order to distract her, the makeup artist frantically asks more questions as he quickly layers pounds of foundation to hide her smokers lips.
“How did you get the invitation? I want to see the invitation!” the hairstylist says as she blow dries Michaele’s unhealthy frail locks, rendering her half bald.
Michaele runs out to the car to find the invite, but because she can only focus on one thing at a time, she forgets and instead, brings out some gold bangles to complement her infamous red Indian sari!
A producer’s voice calls out to Miss Forgetful and reminds her she’s supposed to show the invite to the hairstylist. Looking bewildered, Michaele declares she can’t find it and that it’s probably at the house. “An invitation is just a formality,” says Tareq to the camera. Hey! As long as Big Daddy thinks so, then of course everything’s all good with the wifey!
“You work hard, you give a lot of love, and you end up at the White House,’ says Michaele to the camera.
We’ll see about that.