Do you feel my suffering…and my arthritic pain? Although I wanted to fast in protest of being tortured by ‘The Real Housewives of D.C.,’ I knew that I’d be accused of copying Michaele Salahi—and who likes a copycat?
Speak of the devil, last night’s soap opera was the very first time that both Michaele and Tareq weren’t the focus of dysfunction! Instead, we were invited into the rest of the cast members’ divided feelings towards gay marriage, as well as the bullying mind of Stacie’s gal pal Erika, whose hatred for Catty Cat was so over-the-top, we winced more than Paul Wharton does in a bikini wax session!
Before we drop all the bombs, let us tarry ho! to the highlights!
The Beginning of the End
As Charles helps Cat choose the cover photo for her sextastic book Inbox Full, he eventually gets around to telling her his day-by-day work itinerary, indirectly reassuring her he’ll return to their marriage in 20 years. Hope they signed a pre-nup.
Let’s Get Fired Up!
“I’m a former Washington Redskins cheerleader for the NFL,” lies Michaele to the camera, as she giddily gets ready for a fundraising cheering gig.
With red and yellow pom poms in her hands, she sashays around a hotel room, shaking her one-inch wide gluteus maximus in front a seemingly amused Tareq. Little does she know, however, Tareq’s last meal was a long 20 minutes ago! Although it looks as if he’s gazing at her with the loving eyes of a devoted husband, he’s actually fixating on her with the eyes of a hungry hyena salivating over a moving drumstick! Watch out, Michaele: He’s gonna eatcha!
But before Tareq could grab his steak and knife and throw her on a Dixie plate, the wifey flees to the fundraiser to meet a throng of perimenopausal women with bad dye jobs just like herself but with better cheering skills! Yippeee!
Sweet and Sour
Stacie invites Lynda, along with Mary, Cat, Erika and all their little ones to an ice cream dinner party! Hurray! Trouble brews immediately when Cat casually tells Erika she fell and hurt her elbow on the way over with her daughters. “So you’re mean and klutzy?” says Erika. Daang.
As the kids are busy inhaling tubs of Breyer’s Ice Cream and squirting whip cream and hot fudge syrup up their nostrils, the ladies proceed to the living room to gossip their J-Lo’s off.
Blame It on Tyra, Biatches!
First, Mary attacks Michaele for claiming that she was an NFL cheerleader. The ladies gasp with incredulity. Unfortunately, though, the convo moves to Mary’s lenient parenting skills, and when Cat contributes to the lighthearted jabbing, Erika’s trap unleashes her pent-up fury!
“That’s the mean girl coming out!” she screams. Cat looks at her appalled. Then after much unintelligible back and forth, the truth finally comes out: Erika doesn’t like Cat because she doesn’t like Tyra Banks! Whaaaat! Donning Merlot-colored lipstick to accentuate her Cruella De Vil demeanor, Miss Hater adds that everything that the Brit says is negative and that she’s had enough!
In the other room, the ladies can hear the sound of gum drops and gummy bears nervously plopping out of their children’s pie-holes onto the floor!
To ward off the bad energy, Lynda immediately begins burning sage around Erika’s mouth while scolding her for being up on her “high horse.” Cat walks away in tears and gathers her girls to leave. Mortified, Stacie begs her to stay, and eventually, Lynda and Mary walk over and hug her apologetically. As if to do the same out of remorse, Erika deceives us and instead, tries to control Cat’s every move. “We can figure this out,” she says sternly as if speaking to a defiant child. And if that isn’t enough, she then forcefully demands the Brit not to give her “negative body language.” Cat pulls away in bloody horror and escapes through the door. Bollocks, I say! Bollocks!
Separate and Uninterested
David Catania, who’s the D.C. Council Member at-Large (whatever that means), invites Stacie, Jason, Erika, Lynda, Cat, and Her Majesty Paul Wharton to a meeting about supporting the Marriage Equality Bill for gay, lesbian, and transgender couples.
“I haven’t educated myself on the subject because it hasn’t really affected me,” states a comatose Mary, who’s sitting next to a flabbergasted Paul Wharton. Apparently, Mary’s forgotten how many Paul Whartons she has in her life.
Although Stacie and Jason share her lack of enthusiasm. “Marriage is between a man and a woman,” the twosome say. Paul’s hair frizzes up into a ball of fury and his eyes widen, (revealing his beautifully brushed-on Almay duo eyeshadow in purple and pink hues). While Lynda thinks the conservative couple “just needs to wake up,” Madame Wharton takes his inner diva to another level. “If they don’t support [gay marriage], then I don’t think they should be my friends,” he declares.
Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
In an attempt to stay remotely relevant, the Salahis hop on over to writer Matt Carson’s house to discuss a book they’d like him to ghost write about Tareq’s dysfunctional family. The title? Wine, War, and Roses, Tareq proudly exclaims. Matt suggests the format of the book to be that of his own perspective (he was a former employee of theirs) than the Salahis’ perspective. Busy scarfing down the pita chips on the table, Tareq isn’t too keen on the idea and tries to minimize Matt’s involvement. The writer smiles nervously and reveals he needs the book advance to purchase Crest Whitestrips.
The One Single Highlight of Next Week:
Are you ready for some Gate Crashing, partaay people?!!!