Not even Nostradamus could’ve predicted last night’s conclusion to the ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ reunion! Oh, who could begin to count all the battle wounds that soared out of all the ladies’ pie-holes? And hey, it wasn’t totally Danielle’s fault, either—blame the twisted, record-keeping ways of social media! Blast you, Facebook and Twitter!
In the end, the only rooster who stayed true to her cluck was Mamma Manzo, but the question is: Did her actions show her strength or did her prideful feathers need to be plucked?
Let us hit on the highlights before we become permanently blinded by Kim G.’s neon ocean blue ballroom gown!
Stream of Consciousness
Ready. Set. Go!: Danny says “f-ggot” so Danielle’s gay advocacy comes into question! Teresa screams “B-tch, I’m gonna pin you down!” to Danielle! The Dark Horse demands everyone to speak “One at a time!” Teresa puts on her best demonic munchkin voice and sarcastically mimics Danielle! Jacqueline blurts out that Danielle is sleeping with married men!
“I’m done! I need a break…and f-ck you, Teresa!!” yells ole Danny Girl as she walks away to converse with her portly spiritual hairstylist and to tickle her lover Lori Michaels, who’s busy backstage practicing C&C Music Factory moves for their next TV appearance.
Infuriated, Jacqueline jumps up to go after the She-Devil, but the bouncing motion sends her swollen endowments northbound towards her face and she begins to suffocate! At the same time, Andy Cohen grabs her to pull her back on the couch and in doing so, gets caught in her mammary invasion and clambers for air!
“Bring it, you Vegas whore. Lori can tell you that I don’t sleep with married men,” says Danielle.
The Proof Is in the Tweeting
After a brief commercial break in which Andy injects a few horse tranquilizers into the ladies to calm them down, the spats turn toward Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley, who Danielle believes threatened her life on Facebook! Then, Jacqueline pulls out her iPhone that reveals a supposed response by Danielle that applauds one of her followers who just tweeted his hope of seeing Ashley videotape her own suicide! Danielle denies the tweet and does what any woman of strength and integrity might do. “I’ll block him,” she declares. The women kowtow to her.
Weaving In and Out
The battle of the yappers continues, now focusing on Ashley’s weave-pulling incident. “You brought something…” mentions Andy as he hands Danielle a big black handbag. We gasp in horror at what begins to emerge from between her trembling hands. Our initial guess? 1) It’s an Ewok! 2) It’s the residuals of a month’s worth of Brazilian bikini waxing! But no! Alas, it’s a head of a mannequin donning a super-glued-on wig for Miss Weave-A-Lot to demonstrate the pain Ashley caused when she violently wrenched out her faux hair.
Old Lady Butt Cracks
Donning her favorite turquoise 80s prom dress that allows her to reminisce back to when she was a youthful 75, Kim G. surprises everyone and plops onto the couch next to Jacqueline. With no hesitation, the elderly fame seeker goes on the attack: “I was your b-tch!” she growls to Danielle.
Once Teresa’s blog comment comes up, which refers to Kim G.’s pole dancing fiasco as “Old Lady butt cracks,” the dentures fly out of the granny’s mouth and she bites Teresa’s head off—apparently doing so on Twitter as well! (Senior citizens tweet? That’s awesome!)
But in the end, it’s obvious nobody really likes Kim G., who desperately wants to be liked so she can have a spot on the show next season. “Be careful what you wish for Kim WHO,” says Danielle.
I’m Sorry, So Sorry
During the last commercial break, one of the producers accidentally flips on the wrong programming switch that controls Jacqueline’s hypothalamus. Suddenly, the horror comedy flick we thought we were watching becomes a Nicholas Sparks movie! Jacqueline begins to tell Danielle that she wants peace and doesn’t want to become a hateful person anymore! Then, Danielle immediately responds with profuse apologies and intimates she’ll most likely drop litigation against the other Housewives! Even Teresa gets in on the love wagon and says she never went out of her way to bad mouth Danielle!
At this juncture, Love and Light gets off her cushion and embraces the Bankruptcy Queen, who is petrified at feeling the slithering scales of her Enemy #1! Then Danny Girl moves onto Jackie and whispers salacious propositions that we dare not utter in this recap!
While Andy is perplexed by this schizophrenic moment, he turns to Caroline, who looks like she’s having a massive hot flash and asks her what she thinks of what has just transpired. “This is the biggest crock of sh-t,” she states.
“Let’s end it on that positive note!” Andy exclaims.
Well said, girlfriend. Well said.
What did you think of last night’s finale reunion show? Are you looking forward to next season?