For those souls who watched last night’s ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ reunion show, this is what I must declare: Those polluted woman! This fighting was not therapeutical! I about spit out my imaginary sangwich and shaved my (non-hairy) face from my cheekbones to my neck when I saw those Housewives going at it like chow chows in a ring! It is time for them to re-renovate their anger management skills!
Topics of conversation ranged from: Uncongratulated babies! Defamation of the English language! Gag order on Dina! Fertility ingratitude! Dead-eyed children! Teresa’s financial fiasco! Danielle’s dive into the lady pond! Sex tapes! And charity events with no charity! Oh, what didn’t Hostess with the Mostess Andy Cohen cover in part uno of this unholy reunion?!
While I’m dying to go through every single moment that made Tropical Storm Danielle squint her eyes and suck in her cheeks, I shall only allow my pea-sized heart to palpitate through the main highlights (i.e. outbursts) that mostly likely possessed Caroline to lose 25 lbs. and Mr. Cohen to wear that shiny silk purple tie! Here we go, ladies and germies!
Babies (And Rabies)
A few seconds after Teresa and Jacqueline dissed Danielle for not acknowledging the birth of Wacko Jacq-o’s baby boy, Danielle makes the mistake of questioning Teresa’s familial loyalty: “Did you acknowledge your nephew?” she asks.
Suddenly, like a black grizzly bear gone mad with rabies, Teresa jumps in front of Enemy #1 and within an inch of her face shrieks from the top of her lungs: “Do not break up my family, you f-ckin b-tch!” An intense mist of garlic juice sprays over Danielle’s face, and she grows faint and cross-eyed! Without thinking, Andy decides to be masculine (whaaat?!) and pulls Teresa’s curly fro away from Danielle, but the demons have taken over! As Teresa’s head spins 360 degrees over and over again, her Hulk arms throw Andy’s Pilates-toned J-Lo back into his Crate & Barrel couch! Expletives and plush cushions are thrown toward Miss Love and Light, as she quietly walks off the set to be embraced by her enraged lover, Lori Michaels, as well as her gay spiritual teacher (who happens to be her hair stylist, too).
Be Kind (Don’t) Rewind
Apparently, two sex vids of Danielle are circulating in public for any and all degenerates to feast on! However, Teresa and Jacqueline bring into question the second one, which they believe was produced by a third party and released on purpose! “What kind of example are you setting for your kids?” asks Teresa. Suddenly, The Squint of Disgust tries to crinkle onto Danielle’s Botox’d face, and she looks at Miss Lil Forehead as if she were talking to a misbehaving gerbil: “Are you kidding me? You don’t know anything about my life!”
Because the Evil One raised her voice, Teresa’s eyeballs twinkle all crazy-like and her neck jerks east and west. “B-tch, I don’t talk about you, you skanky wh-re!”
“I think I’m a really good mom,” coolly states Danielle. The light goes out of Andy’s eyes…
When the infamous charity event at The Brownstone comes up, Caroline jumps in and accuses Danielle of not giving one dime to the sick child who they were raising money for. “Lie! Lie! Lie!” Caroline clucks with righteous indignance. Danielle denies the Rooster’s claim, but the latter doesn’t give in, especially after seeing the clip where The Darkness says she was giving her son Chris a “psychological F-You.” And so Mama Manzo rages on: “You brought danger to my son, you tried to defame my husband!…Do not try to make a fool out of me—I’m looking at the fool!” BAM! Another Manzo line to be inserted into the annals of Wikipedia! Just sayin.
What did you think of last night’s reunion? Did Danielle deserve all the hate—or was she being bullied by Mean Girls? And did anyone check out Dina’s rants on her Twitter page by chance?!