Rats! There are rats up in the ‘Jersey Shore,’ yo! Who wrote the anonymous note to Sammi that reveals Ron makes out with fat chicks in the club? And who has the intellectual skills to include the advanced SAT word ‘wisely’ when warning her? But never mind that. The real question is if the typed-out revelation is enough for Sam to wake-the-freak-up from her emotional disease of loving a five-foot-tall wandering-eyed Koopa Troopa!
Let’s recap the highlights and find out what happens!
Three Chicks, One Grenade
The Situation definitely has a situation when he, Vinny, and Pauly D bring home two “hot” chicks and two others show up knocking at their door—one of which he refers to as a “hippopotamus.” The Three Amigos huddle together to see if they can manage to come up with one intelligent idea of how to deal with four felines in heat, one being from The Discovery Channel, mind you. The result? “I will extract the hot one and leave the grenade to blow up Ronnie’s room by herself,” The Situation whispers as his homeboys high-five him.
In the end, the plan works, and their pipers get paid.
Watch the guys extract the grenade:
No Clean = No Eat
Angelina is an Italian Princess who’d rather talk on the phone all day than lift a manicured talon to a sponge and Mr. Clean. The Situation returns with groceries to a filthy house and Angelina yapping in the receiver with a bowl of melted Frosted Flakes nearby. His PMS has exploded by now, and he does what any normal Italian mother would do: He threatens not to feed her. “Clean up your dirty mess!” he screams. “F-ck you!” she responds. “Go ride on a treadmill!” he comes back. But because The Situation is a sensitive feminista, he quickly apologies and Angelina is invited to take part in the group’s ravioli and asparagus dinner. Everyone then turns to comfort Snooki since she just cut ties with her cheating Hobbit of a boyfriend Emilio.
After having planted the anonymous note into Sammi’s drawer, JWoww and Snooki scurry off with a clueless Situation to work at the gelato shop.
While Ronnie is busy enjoying his first injection of steroids for breakfast, Sammi finds the note and begins to ask the other guys if they wrote it. They feign ignorance and then eventually the confrontation between the two bonehead lovers goes down.
The V-shaped Shorty professes his love to her, while admitting to some things in the letter (e.g. getting a girl’s number). But that’s already too much for Sammi’s weak-willed va-jay-jay to take and she cries out “F-you. We’re done!” (This means she take him back in approximately one hour instead of the usual 15 minutes.)
Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
JWoww and Snooki are afraid to go back to the house, so the former decides to call the house in the hopes that Angelina will pick up. Unfortunately, Sammi answers and she asks them if they wrote the letter. “What letter? What are you talking about?” the ginormous-chested smoker asks as something trickles down her Juicy Couture jogging pants.
The two guilt-ridden gals continue to play it off and tell The Situation that Sammi found a letter about Ronnie’s doggin.’ He immediately laughs his heiny off. Once they all get back and The Situation reads the note in front of Sammi, he unhesitatingly confirms that Ron had made out with “multiple fat women—it’s the truth,” he says chuckling.
“I hope you’re happy because you’re dumb—I shoulda cut you!” Sammi shouts. Because he can’t deal with too much confrontation, Ron resorts to his usual behavior: He goes straight to his room, lies flat on his back like a gingerbread man in bed, and tries to play it cool. Unfortunately, when he does this, he forces us to take note of the disturbingly sparse amount of fur sprouting from his underarms. Must be the hormone shots.
“If they end up back together she looks like the dumbest b-tch,” whispers JWoww to Snooks. True dat, Oh Swollen One. True dat.