The time has come, believers and nonbelievers alike! Last night was the denouement of a ‘Bachelorette’ season we’ll remember to be full of conspiracy, betrayals, rumors, and Kasey’s pneumatic singing.
While the season was achingly yawn-worthy but beautifully international, I must say I was hoping for this final chapter to end on a traumatic note, like the equivalent of Chris Harrison popping me in the gut with such force that my hair comes flying out. Alas, I regretfully say that my hair is intact. But have no fear: After weeks of rumors that Ali winds up loveless and alone, l’amour prevailed as she chose a future husband. And his name? *Spoiler Alert!* Oooh, Roberto!
To wit, the curiosity factor generated by this season’s hype machine paid off: 11.6 million viewers tuned in to the season finale to see who Ali picked, making it the biggest ‘Bachelorette’ finish since February 25, 2004.
Let us recap the highlights and keep the spirit of fame-whoring and transient love alive! Off to Bora Bora!
Wearing a blue patterned dress shirt in order to hide his propensity to sweat, Roberto greets Ali and walks over to her family’s bungalow. There, he meets his possible future in-laws: ‘I-Love-Everyone!’ Mama-cakes, sister Raya (who showed as much of her twin peaks as her reality TV sis), younger bro who we’ll just call Jasper for kicks, and Wise Owl Daddy.
To make Oooh, Roberto! feel just like one of the familiy, the Get-Along Gang immediately asks him to talk about Spanish things! “He spoke to me in Spanish the first time we met!” “He taught me how to salsa dance!” Ali screams with glee. Fascinated beyond belief, her fam giggles along with her and begs Roberto to say something foreign. Ay dios mio!
Thankful that she invested in Rosetta Stone Spanish (Level 1), Ali’s mom has a nice chat with Roberto. Their convo commences like so:
Roberto: “As a man—as hopefully a husband one day to her—what can I do to make her happy?”
Mom: “You’re already doing it! Just as I had a special feeling about Jake, I can confidently say I have a special feeling about you! (Tearing up) I’m just so happy that I could wear my Dillard’s turquoise shirt on TV and practice my Spanish on you now—gee, I hope what I’m about to say comes out right…”
Although Ali’s mom meant to say ‘I believe that your heart is pure,’ what accidentally pours forth is: “You have nice juicy pecs, hombre, and I wish I had x-ray vision!” For a split second, the Latin Lover is taken aback but then quickly recovers with a flirty wink.
Wasting no time at all, Ali’s Poppy attempts to intimidate Roberto by outright asking: “Do you love my daughter?” Without hesitation (but with his signature sweat trickling down his face), the 26-year-old says that in fact he does heart her and hopes to have Mr. Owl’s blessing. The Wise One consents by turning his head 360 degrees.
Because everyone’s happy with Bachelor #1, everyone gets up on their feet to—what else?—SALSA! Ali’s mom grabs Roberto and they tear up the wooden floor! With Ali looking away, Mama-cakes jumps in with a quick bump and grind—and that is all we can say, you dirty beasts!
More of the Same
Dressing as unprovocatively as she possibly can to give Chris L. a hint, Ali takes him by the hand and leads him to her clan. But Mr. Fidgety doesn’t see the warning signs because he’s intoxicated by the fact that he gets to be around his favorite thing in the world: FAMILY!
And boy, do these Massachusetts natives have everything in common! After Chris L. has an opportunity to divulge the loss of his mom, the rest of the convo carries on swimmingly! Come to find out: Ali’s mom is a nurse just like Chris L’s mom! Ali’s dad taught high school physics just like Chris L taught math! Aww heck, even the two dads were both born in Montreal! The similarities are so creepy we fear the two lovebirds are possibly inbred and are third cousins.
Pulling the Blond Boy aside and hoping to get this scripted moment over with, Ali’s daddy hits him with a scary question.
Ali’s Dad: “Can you honestly tell me that you love my daughter?”
Chris: “To deceptively answer your question, I want to find my soul mate. I thought I found something special with my black lab, but now I know it’s Ali…I’m falling in love with her… but what I’d like to know is if I have your blessing for her hand in marriage.”
Ali’s Dad: “I’ve thought this through for a few seconds just like Ali’s mother, and since you’re family orientated, I say Who Gives a Hoot! Yes! You have my blessing!”
Now that her fam has met her two Metros, Ali decides to get her sporty on by buzzing around in a jet ski with Roberto! Because her lover wants to scare the bejesus out of her, he stops the engine in boob-high water amid a fleet of sting rays the size of Craig M.’s hair! Ali screams! Roberto chortles like Count Dracula as he watches them amazingly rise out of the water to attack his lady’s perky endowments. Warning to the reckless couple: Ever hear of Steve Irwin?
Cutting Ties with Rainbow Man
Just as we were nodding off in the belief that Chris L.’s last date was more filler time, Ali pulls a Frank and breaks it off with him right then and there! “I’m in love with someone else, and I didn’t want to wait til tomorrow to tell you,” Ali says with tears drip-dropping from her swollen eyes.
Forlorn and virtually speechless, Chris L. hugs her and in his mind, hurls her out the door. As Chris Harrison and his interns race to pack the rejected boy’s belongings, the devastated guy takes a walk out onto the balcony to think about his favorite pastime: His family. But wait! It’s a sign! A rainbow! Mommy’s promise! Chris smiles, and feeling the spirit of Tom Cruise, looks for a couch to jump on. He just can’t wait to get back and tell his fam!
The Minority Triumphs!
After the Neil Lane ring plug, Roberto takes his sky blue square-cut sparkly and tries to tease us with an ambiguous comment about ‘doing what’s right for him,’ but we hardly notice what he’s saying since we’re too fixated on his over-sized, uplifted collar. As he walks up to Ali and begins to say sweet nothings, we’re distracted yet again by his body’s need to purge toxicity: He is profusely perspiring.
Roberto: “I want to make you laugh, smile, and wake up knowing that you’re so loved.”
Ali: “I love you so much!”
Roberto: “I want to grow old with you and raise children who sweat as much as I do. Be my wife! Will you marry me, mi amor?”
Ali: “Si, señor!”
Suddenly, the ‘Lion King’ score floats into our ears and a wonderful montage ensues! Congrats Ali and Roberto! You proved the conspiracy theorists and nay-saying bloggers wrong—at least for a few months!
After the Final Rose
While we were hoping for a dramatic ATFR special, like Jake jumping out from behind a couch and professing his secret love for Chris Harrison, there was nothing of the sort. To Ali’s slight disgust, even Frankenstein makes a no-show! (We figure he was too busy pinching his girlfriend’s nose.) “I was really hoping he’d be here. I feel like what he did was selfish. Coming here would’ve been his chance to explain what he did to me. Not coming was even more selfish. But I forgive him,” Miss Boobilicious says.
Chris L. sits in the hot seat to reveal his new gaunt look hidden behind a pound of blush, thanks to the makeup artist. Graciously, he hugs Ali and then proceeds to focus on what’s more important: rainbows in the sky.
Once Roberto saunters into the studio, Ali is all touchy-feely. The two reveal they’ve already bought an apartment together in San Diego but have no wedding plans yet (ahem). To avoid hearing one more girly giggle from Miss Sunshine, Chris Harrison quickly tells them that on behalf of ABC, the two bunnies will be whisked away in a helicopter to Catalina Island for more sun poisoning! Yippie kay yay!
And that, my fine furballs, is the end of the season! Until next time, I bid you farewell. Tarry ho!