So it’s like dis, aight: A full-on hour of actual “GTL!” (Gym, Tanning, Laundry) and manic fist pumping would’ve been more entertaining than last night’s second season premiere of ‘Jersey Shore.’ Aside from some choice moments we already captured for you, the first 45-minutes was essentially an Ambien-fest as we watched the cast (and Angelina) race down to “M.I.A.” (aka Miami) in hopes of snagging the best rooms in their new Florida house—rooms that ended up being so small and cramped, Ronnie’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle calves wouldn’t have been able to pound through without trippin’ on themselves.
Before we jump into the hot tub and start preaching ‘Nobody’s Ugly After 2am,’ here are some situations that mostly didn’t involve The Situation:
Feeling redeemed from a fresh waxing (down deah), Angelina saunters into a house full of testosterony homeboys who are more excited over seeing each other than seeing her. Sammi, Snooks, and JWoww manage to be less welcoming by giving the wannabe ‘Kardashian of Staten Island’ the cold shoulder because they believe girlfriend’s been talking smack behind their backs. But hold up! You do not give the silent treatment to a bizatch from SI, bizatches! There’ll be hell to pay! TAXI!
Yellow Cab Holds Orange Hostages
Before Angelina starts whipping her neck and giving the hand to all the ladies, Sammi broods over her unresolved feelings for Ronnie while en route to the club. As Snookie and JWoww try to comfort her, Angelina goes off on them. Lee Press on Nails start looping around in circles like it’s nobody’s business, and JWoww is about to pop Angelina’s face!
Ronnie Ignites Grenades and Landmines!
After getting hammered, Ronnie starts doing the Hammer. The Beefcake unleashes his repressed anger on Sammi and ends up calling her the C-word (for you pure of heart: the word rhymes with ‘bunt’). Then he bounces with The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinny (whose eyebrows should never belong to any man) to another club, and before anyone can say the other C-word (i.e. Creepin) Mr. Meat Head’s crotch undergoes its own exorcism! While the evil spirit gyrates in Ron’s bottom half, the upper half ends up swallowing the faces of two boozed up floozies—at the same time! [Cue explosion sounds]. ‘Grenades’ and ‘landmines,’ fo sho! (For a full explanation, read The Situation’s quote below.)
“If I hook up with one of youse, who gives a sh*t.” -Angelina (to The Situation and Pauly D)
“I wannabe wilin out, hooking up with girls, dancing, and pretty much outdoing The Situation.” -Ronnie
“I feel like…I don’t know.” Sammi (on Ronnie)
“I know exactly what you mean.” -Snooki’s reply
“Ronnie is hooking up with grenades!–that is, a bigger ugly chick–and also with landmines!, which is a thinner ugly chick.” -The Situation
What did you think about the premiere? Did it make you want to embrace your Sudoku book or are you cool with a little bit of brain shrinkage?