This was the slowest episode of ‘True Blood’ ever. It picked up right where the last one left off, and stayed there. Suddenly this show is taking place in real time, and not as much happens in an hour in slow-ass Bon Temps/Jackson as it did on ‘24.‘
Russell’s House of Slow Torture
Appropriately,the episode starts in slow mo. King Russell knocks Bill to the ground as Eric drags Sookie into the house. Bill stakes a vamp hemp hench man quite bloodily then takes a shot at Russell. The king throws him through the ceiling pointing out he’s nearly 3000 years old. Russell’s husband/houseboy Talbot is pissed about the ceiling. Bill is dragged off to the slave’s quarters. Lorena is assigned to kill him.
Eric tells Sookie she means nothing to him. He’s close to getting something he’s wanted since he was human. Sookie seems shocked that the universe doesn’t revolve around her. Russell asks Sookie to explain who and what she is. She tells him she can read the minds of everyone but vampires. He shows her a file Bill has been keeping on her and her family. Sookie tells him she knows nothing about her other powers.
Lorena tells Bill about how she misses the 1930s. Then she takes a scalpel and slices a hole in his chest. She pricks her finger and mingles her blood with his so he can die with her blood in him. He claims he wishes he knew her before she was turned. Cooter and Debbie want a piece of Bill. She agrees to let them get their licks in.
Franklin has Tara tied to the bed. He tells her his work for Russell is over. She seductively asks him to untie him. He falls for it. She tells him she wants to have the best human sex before he turns her, including biting him. He is enough of a freak to find it a turn on. She bites into his shoulder as hard as she can breaking the skin. It’s disgusting. While he sleeps post sex, she takes a spiked torture implement and decapitates him. I hope he somehow is not dead. Franklin is awesome. Tara pretends to be a maid and gets the guard to let her into Sookie’s room. She knocks him out and they run. Sookie refuses to leave Bill.
Tara flees. Alcide catches up with her. Sookie funds a bloody, unconscious Bill. She tells him she won’t let him go. He whispers,”Sookie.” She vows to heal him. Lorena steps out of the shadows and bites her neck.
The First Appropriate Invocation of Godwin’s Law
Russell tells Eric he aligns with werewolves because it is his goal to destroy humans. He talks about how nasty humans are because they destroy the environment, claiming that people tasted better hundreds of years ago before we started eating junk food and exposing ourselves to harsh chemicals. When he puts it like that, we do sort of have it coming. He adds that Hitler was right about their being a master race, but it is not human.
What Would Jesus Do?
Lafayette and Jesus are still playing their pool game from last week. That’s how slow this episode is. Then they go for a drive and talk about their lives. Jesus has traveled all over the world. He doesn’t know who his dad is because his mom was raped. I wonder if his father is human. They have the world’s longest pre first kiss conversation about whether or not Jesus should have asked Lafayette if he wanted to kiss him and Jesus’s belief in not having sex on the first date before they finally kiss. At Lafayette’s house, they have a talk about Lafeyette’s shrine to the other Jesus. They kiss again only to be interrupted by Lafayette’s white trash V customer trashing Lafayette’s “non-American” car. Jesus stops him before he kills him, then leaves, upset that Laf is a drug dealer.
Jason… Yawn.. Jason And Other Tertiary Characters
Jason and Crystal are doing it in the grass. She pulls away when he makes an innocuous remark, saying this isn’t right and starts crying. She sniffs the air, saying she has to go. It’s too dangerous, he needs to forget about her. The next morning he finds Crystal’s shack. The white trash guy that Lafayette beat up answers. Crystal claims never to have seen him before. She asks him to leave her and her fiance alone. Jason makes himself feel better by arresting the high school quarterback for having sex in a car.
Jessica bites an annoying patron after thralling her to give Arlene a big tip.
Sam’s Family Turns Out To Be Related to Michael Vick’s
Tommy tells Sam that his Dad has never hit him. White trash Mom tells Tommy it’s his turn to get into the room and pay the family’s bills. The family’s plan is to make Tommy shift into a pit bull and join the dog fighting circuit. Really? That’s so… stupid.
“Eric, what the f*ck!” – Sookie, shocked that Eric is no longer worshipping her.
“Where do you think you are lady, Red Lobster?” Arlene to a Bon Temps patron who inquired about the food preparation.
“Please, please try. I would just love to rip you open and wear your rib cage as a hat.” – Lorena scoffing at Sookie’s threat to kill her.
“There’s a fine line between feisty and delusional.” — Russell dislikes Sookie’s spunk.
“Why you wicked little strumpet.” — Franklin’s idea of foreplay.
“You never take me anywhere.” — Talbot complains to Russell about what a lousy husband he is.