Last night’s ‘Bachelorette’ was a celebration of effusive familial love, as Ali traipsed across the country on her hometown dates. For two hours, we got to experience all the swell things about family life: the laughing, the confiding, home-cooked meals, stuffed dead animals, and orthodontic intervention.
From the boy toys, we had the honor of hearing the phrase “I’m falling for her” just a couple thousand times, as well as “Wow! She blends so well with my family!”
Now that we know that the guys’ families are full of storybook love and support and that Ali is an emotional chameleon, let us take this time to recap the moments and rejoice!
Like all of Oooh Roberto!’s dates, things are muy caliente. The couple visits Roberto’s college — where he majored in How to Get a Chiquita to Go Loco — and he surprises her by taking her to the baseball field. When the Latin Lover emerges with an oh-so-tight uniform on, Ali’s chubby bottom lip drops and her eyeballs plunge out of her sockets, zeroing in on his man action. “A baseball uniform is about the sexiest thing a guy can put on!” she declares with delight. To solidify his sex appeal, Roberto hands over a baseball card of himself which has a toll free number on the back that says: For a good time, call: 1 800 I-M-YUMMY.
Out of all the people in his family, Ali is most intimidated to meet Roberto’s padre, who used to be an ex-army ranger. “You’re a big prize. I know she’s gonna be happy, but I want to make sure you’re going to be happy,” Roberto, Sr. says to his quiet son, who really wants his poppy’s blessing.
While Ali and Dad size each other up and go man-to-man on the Q&A’s amid a room full of Roberto’s trophies, Roberto’s mom, Olga, whose skin is as smooth as a newborn baby’s butt, easily gives her blessing for him to marry Ali.
Everyone ends up being happy! So what is there left to do but dance?! The entire family shakes their hips and feels the rhythm of the music gettin’ stronger and moves their feet to that Conga beat!
Thanks to the acoustic guitar score plucking its way throughout Chris L’s entire segment and the sight of his open porch solidified by Ethan Allen rocking chairs, we feel as if we’ve been transported to the Hallmark Family Channel. The love and protectiveness we encounter in the fidgety dude’s Cape Cod family — as depicted through pictures, poems, and stories of his deceased mom, along with those matching silver bracelets worn by the sisters-in-law — are almost cult-like, and Ali realizes she needs a membership to get in.
“Love is the only reality…if you have love, you have everything,” pontificates Chris’ father, whose voice is as soothing as Morgan Freeman’s and whom we now know is the trailblazer for his son’s porcupine-haired look. He points out admiringly to the freaked out chickadee that the devotion she had to her granny (Nooo! Don’t mention her granny!) is the same as his son’s devotion to his mother. (The only difference is that while Chris’ tattoo of his mom’s name is on his rib cage, Ali’s tattoo of her granny’s name is located on the inside of her bubba gump lip.)
The entire fam all end up accepting her, and Ali feels closer to Chris than ever before. To celebrate and put a heightened finality to the trip, Chris walks her up to a midget-sized tower and whispers, “Damn, you’re cute,” and proceeds to salivate all over her neck. Lost in the saliva, Ali momentarily believes that she’s being licked by her lover’s black lab, Jenny.
Captain Kirk brings Ali-cat to his father’s house in Green Bay, Wisconsin, where she’s greeted by his daddy, step mommy, and little adopted sister. We find out that Kirk’s folks are divorced and aren’t on speaking terms, and we’ll soon find out the reason once we take a trip with Lady Love downstairs.
“So Ali, would you go like to see my basement?” asks Kirk’s daddy with a lilting, trembling serial killah voice. Everyone freezes. Down below we hear the faint neigh of a petrified horse. Being the brave girl that she is, Ali agrees and creeps down below with Father Magnum P.I. Mustache. And then she sees the massacre!
“I bring animals back to life!” exclaims Daddy-o, who reveals he’s a taxidermist. Stuffed deer, moose, bobcats, and squirrels overcrowd the room and freakishly gape as if admonishing her to get the hell outta dodge–or be the next mounted animal! She plunges her fist in her mouth to stifle a Psycho scream. “I love animals, but I love them when they’re alive!” the shocked blond shrieks.
To comfort her, Kirk’s dad offers her a Klondike Bar in a nearby freezer. She reaches for it but instead pulls out the frozen family jewels of a mongoose! Ahhh! She keels over out of fright. Kirk’s dad leaves her there and places a stuffed hamster in her hand as a gift and goes upstairs to tell his son that he approves.
Off Ali goes to Kirk’s mom’s house! To her surprise, she is greeted by Kirk’s sister, granny, and mom, who not only is sporting a blond bumpit but also a full set of metal in her mouth. And hey, that’s okay–braces at that age give one a more youthful appearance.
Everything seems to go well, and they all enjoy granny’s homemade cooking. When Kirk’s mom and Ali sit down to chat, the former mentions something about a yellow “Livestrong” bracelet that she and and her son wear as a symbol of his triumphing over his mold spore illness. But honestly, all we can focus our attention on are the braces.
Ali leaves happy but still has doubts over Kirk’s noncommittal past…
Feeling vs Thinking
An excited Ali lands in Chicago to meet up with Frank, who ends up being a Debbie Downer throughout the entire trip. He takes her on a beautiful boat ride, the weather is perfect, and his lady is happy. And now is his cue to ruin it all with his sudden downcast appearance.
Ali: “What’s wrong? What are your concerns?”
Frank: “This is a really big deal! This is very, very important. It’s only natural that it’s tough…I can have so much faith in you and I, yet you can send me home tomorrow.”
Ali [secretly saying as she looks into his eyes]: “Quit being such a cerebral freak fest! Enjoy the moment!!!”
Ali [saying out loud to Frank]: “You have to think about if I’m the one for you.”
Frank: “This process sucks–it’s like a mind game…I think I’m going bananas! Actually, I am a banana! I think I want to jump off this boat! Will you save me?! Someone save me from this insane game of love!!!”
Before he can wail another absurdity, Ali bops him upside the head and drags him to the car where they’re whisked away to his parents’ house.
We like Frank’s folks. They’re both happy and exude great energy. As jovial dad smiles, we realize where Frank inherited his snaggle tooth. And then there’s his effervescent mom, who comforts Ali with her husky smoker’s voice and red elbows.
While Ali is busy hitting it off with Mom, Frank is boring the shiz out of his preggie older sis and brother-in-law. “Is what I have a forever type thing or is this just another amazing relationship that gets destroyed by my propensity to ask lots of theoretical questions that are solely based on fear?” After he puts them to sleep, he moves onto his next victim: his dad.
Dad: “She seems genuine and fun.”
Frank [pulls out a pitch pipe and blows an E flat]: “Love is such a complicated thing…and there are other elements that are involved that make it convoluted.”
His father looks at him and swiftly punches him in the face. When Frank wakes up, he doesn’t realize what happened, and the two walk over to Ali and hug each other happily.
The Captain Has No Enterprise
In the end, with tears streaming down her face, Ali sends Kirk packing. Could it have been the stuffed circus parade or the metal mouth that turned her off? Perhaps she was fed up with her inability to find Kirk’s lips, thanks to his recessive skin tone that blends his entire body so perfectly together in one peachy shade?
“It hurts that I gave all of myself to you, and I’m not what you’re looking for,” he sadly says to a wailing Ali, whose mascara is streaming down her face so hideously, she looks like Alice Cooper.
Oh, Kirky, at least you got your granny’s home cooking to comfort you.
Highlights From Next Episode
Tahiti! Frank finally reveals da truf!