The May 24th season premiere of ‘The Bachelorette‘ (ABC, 9/8c) signaled the start of a whole new life and adventure for Ali Fedotowsky. For those of you who’ve followed her on ‘The Bachelor‘ last season, you know why some people heart her and why some swear they’d rather play Air Guitar on their Wii than watch her prey on a roomful of eager beavers.
Whatever your persuasion, we thought it’d be fun to look back at Ali’s mishaps from her time on ‘The Bachelor’ and suggest the top five ways she might better find–and keep a man.
Don’t Be a Mean Girl.
In the beginning, Ali was the sweet unassuming girl next door who liked to wear lots of yellow get-ups and had her heart broken by immature boyfriends whose names all started with ‘J’–remember that cutesy backdrop? Well, once scary, psychotic Michelle Kujawa happened, that’s when Ali’s cutesiness started fading and her mouthiness started to emerge.
But the ultimate deal breaker was when she started clawing at googly-eyed Vienna Girardi. Although the latter was no angel by any means, Ali did herself a disservice by being way too aggressive and relentless in her quest to ostracize the gal–even whisper screaming next to her at a rose ceremony about how disgusted she felt that she was still around. We’re hoping Ali will take the high road this time and not be such a bully–besides, it should be easier now that she’s the only feline in the pack!
Don’t Take So Much Air Time in Reaching a Decision.
After Ed Swiderski’s got-to-split-to-save-my-posh-job shenanigans, you’d think Ali would’ve gotten a clue–or maybe she thought his formula would work in her favor as it did for him? Regardless, we’re surprised she didn’t get the memo that the prerequisite for being a ‘Bachelor’/'Bachelorette’ contestant is that you must be an unemployed actor/model or a really rich entrepreneur.
Now, having said that, we just hope Ali plans on being more decisive this time round–in any and everything!–because it was agonizing with a capital ‘A’ to watch her take a decade to decide if she was going to stay or go. Did the producers get lazy on the editing or did they just feel like torturing us with infinite footage of a mascara-smeared Ali, sitting on Jake’s lap and moaning ‘I don’t know’ over and over again? We’d rather have listened to Tenley talk about butterflies.
Don’t Whine, Cry, or Pull Your Hair Out.
Continuing on that note, Ali’s tendency to whine, cry, and pull at her hair like a crazy person didn’t help us cozy up to her, either. The whining should have ceased to exist in her emotional repertoire, like, in the 3rd grade, and the hair-pulling on the couch should’ve only occurred if she had O.D.’d on her meds. Oh, yeah, and what was up with that melodramatic fall on the hotel hallway floor? Those kinds of antics should be reserved for the likes of Susan Lucci, my dear.
Don’t Waste a Perfect Pair of Suede Boots!
When you’re crazy in love, you do crazy things. But when Ali jumped into the beach wearing her suede boots on her romantic San Francisco date, women all over couldn’t help but puke just a little and push their eyeballs back into their sockets. What da hell-age?!
Yes, we all do crazy things when our emotions are running high, but girlfriend, you NEVER EVER waste a good pair of shoes on any dude–especially one who’s slobbering over other women while dating you! We’re just hoping those babies were from Payless.
Don’t Take Your Beloved to Your Dead Granny’s Pad.
Grannies rock. They rule the world. We love baking cookies with them and hearing them tell really cool, old stories. But in the case of Ali-cakes, she took her granny love a little too far. If one of the first things you do–before you even introduce your man to your living folks–is introduce your dead granny to him as if she were alive and walk through her barren house, then things start getting potentially Amityville Horror-ish up in here. Ali might be all about summoning her granny’s presence, but perhaps the man of her dreams won’t be too keen on walking into a dead lady’s house and seeing her blurry picture on the mantle staring right back at him!