At first I feared LuAnn’s painfully nauseating iTunes track and her shady date with the creepy Carson Kressley look-alike would end up being the highlights of last night’s ‘Real Housewives of New York City.’ But daaang, was I wrong! That was just filler for the impending schizophrenic disaster awaiting Ramona’s Caribbean bachelorette party at sea! And it all escalated thanks to a bunch of lemons! Even though Jill wasn’t there in body, she sure was there in spirit–and Kelly was the maniacal possessed messenger! Let’s discuss:
Lemons Can Reveal Your IQ
The verbal jousting starts over lunch when Ramona tells Bethenny that Jill was acting like a hysterical freakazoid when Ramona didn’t tell her about her former BFF’s father passing. To this, Bethenny and Alex casually tell the ladies that Jill’s reasons for being seemingly concerned are purely about Number 1, which makes Kelly’s short circuits blow. Perhaps basking in the island sun all day entails losing yo mind because POOF! Jill’s combative ‘tude possesses her long-legged friend and then the insanity goes into overdrive.
Here we have the first Kelly-ism of the night:
Ramona: “We’re just expressing our feelings…”
Kelly: “Why do you all have to be so negative?! You guys are making lemons into lemonade!”
Uhhh. Everybody scratches their heads, but thanks to Bethenny, she helps set the record straight that Kelly isn’t using the idiom correctly. But Kelly will not be made to look like the dumbo! And out of sheer pride she embarrassingly claims she has license to use it in her creative way. Finally, she gets up from the table and tries to redeem herself.
Kelly: “I’m not the sorority bitchy girl! Enjoy your banter and your vile behavior. You’re sick and demented!” (She storms off but can’t manage to open the glass doors to get back to her room–DOH!)
Bethenny (directly to camera): “Cucka-doodle-doo. This nit wit is perfect for Jill.”
Meanwhile, Sonja coolly sits in silence and arches an eyebrow wondering when she’s going to get her pedicure. (If only they could all be so purrrfect.)
Death, Sex, and Culinary Skills
After a lovely dinner (and after 50 bottles of Don Perignon), Ramona and Alex yacht-hop to the Hooters boat to flirt with the pervy owner. Kelly, Sonja, and Bethenny end up sitting on the couch having a disjointed convo. The mommy-to-be opens up about how horrible her dad was to her, which causes Kelly to start her engines. She emphatically states that Bethenny just has to ‘deal with it’ and understand that her daddy issues aren’t at all exceptional (her way of trying to sound authoritative and and powerful, to make up for her bruised ego). Bethenny stares off wide-eyed, vacillating between bopping her giant antagonist upside her empty head or letting it drop. She chooses the latter–for now.
Then the convo swings over to sex–Sonja’s favorite subject! Kelly claims she’s never had a one night stand, while Bethenny intimates it’s a rite of passage. Miss Morgan, (whose sultry duck lips are all a-slur by now), concurs with Beth by telling Kelly the reason she’s so freakin uptight is because she never gets laid! BINGO! But wait! The exceptional truth to this statement gets lost when suddenly laughter turns into tears as Sonja confides how horrible she felt when her boobies went south, along with her self-esteem when she divorced. She praises Bethenny on how she’s a survivor and not a victim. While the two are having a moment, Kelly fumes because she doesn’t like seeing EMOTIONS that involve frowny faces. “Why can’t you enjoy the life you’re in right now?!” she screams. We watch her practically pull the blond highlights out of her hair, as if trying to pull down the right lever to make the pain of experiencing two people being vulnerable go away. Troubled thoughts cross her troubled mind: Emotions! What are these horrible things called emotions, dammit?! Can’t take it anymore! My Juvederm fillers are going to explode from my nasolabial folds!
But instead of blurting out such fears, she opts for the second cryptic Kelly-ism:
Kelly: “The whole ‘feelings’ thing is sooo 1979!” (What happened in 1979?)
But Kelly’s not done. She decides Miss Preggars-With-Daddy-Issues needs a good verbal spanking and goes in for the kill: “Bethenny plays the victim a lot. She always makes people feel bad. You’re defaming my kids, vindictive, cunning, deceitful, and it’s creepy. You’re a media whore and a ho bag! Nobody cares about you!”
WTF? Did Kelly have a moment of schizophrenia? Or is she just emotionally bi-polar?
And if that weren’t enough to put Bethenny into premature labor, Miss Mandibles goes anti-Emeril on her best-selling cookbook: “And you’re not a chef! You’re a cook!” BAM!
But you don’t mess with a woman with a bun in the oven. Bethenny’s reply? “You speak and you don’t know what you’re saying! You’re the most unintelligent person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing…you have the worst vocabulary! (And in comes the quote of the night): I’m going over to the Hooters boat, so I can see some sane people.”
Look, Bethenny’s no angel, but last night Kelly’s mouth needed some serious duct tape. Totally to be continued…