‘Gossip Girl’ here, celebrating the annual Thanksgiving episode. ‘The Simpsons’ has Halloween, every other show does heartwarming Christmas episodes. GG has staked out Turkey Day as its signature holiday. This year’s did not disappoint. With enough lies, backstabbing, and barbed exchanges to make you feel better about your own family’s flaws, this was as satisfying as a plate of mashed potatoes, stuffing and cranberry sauce.
The first third of the episode basically exists to get everyone to the Van Der Woosen-Humphrey (nee Bart) penthouse for turkey with all the fixings.
- Lily, who seems to be in constant denial about the fact that she married Rufus, plans a low key Thanksgiving. That is not the Humphrey way! Rufus Skypes with ailing CeCe, learning she is awfully spry for a dying woman. She offers to attend in person, claiming it will be a wonderful surprise.
- Serena tells her mother she will spend Thanksgiving at the soup kitchen with Tripp. The fact that Lily does not realize soup kitchen is a euphemism shows how little she knows her daughter. Serena does not serve mankind. She services men.
- Jenny texts Jonathan, encouraging him to give Eric another chance. He responds that he is shocked Jenny is still friends with him, given what happened at the Cotillion.
- Tripp tells Serena he asked Maureen for a divorce. She wisely decides to wait until he’s legally unencumbered before letting him stuff her turkey, but agrees to spend a chaste Thanksgiving together, explaining she has already lied to her mother.
- A disapproving Blair warns Serena that he is not really ending his marriage and she will quickly be replaced. Maureen’s role in drowning-gate is ignored in this episode, so she seems like more of a scorned wife.
- Serena tells Nate she only kissed Tripp once and will not do it again.
- Tripp cancels his plans with Serena so he can spend the day with a suspicious Maureen. Serena invites Nate to accompany her to Thanksgiving Chez Lily.
- Lily runs into Maureen on the street. They are wearing identical coats, though they are polar fashion opposites. Lily invites Tripp and Maureen to join her so Serena can spend time with her family instead of at the soup kitchen. Awesome.
- Tripp follows Serena into an elevator at the Empire and warns her about the impending disaster. He makes a cheesy speech about his desire to be near her. Serena stops the elevator and makes out with him.
- Chuck, who does not have nearly enough to do this week, sees the whole thing on the security cameras. He tells Nate. Nate phones security.
- Vanessa asks Dan if she can crash with him for the weekend because her visiting mother is driving her insane. Dan summons the ultra-P.C. Gabriella, who turns out to have already finagled an invite to dinner from Rufus. Typical Abrams presumptuousness.
- Eleanor has returned from a trip to Paris to spend Thanksgiving with Blair before taking her to France to visit Gay Dad. Blair is desperate to learn why an envelope has arrived from Eleanor’s estate lawyer. She finds a pregnancy test. When Dorota announces she will be working the dinner, Blair decides she wants to go, despite her feud with Serena.
The Meal Is Served
At the overstuffed dinner the following happens:
- Serena wears a dress with a sheer front. Classy. Why not a blue dress and a beret to really drive the point home?
- Maureen asks Nate if Tripp and Serena are having an affair. He admits they are and tells her he has a way to end it quickly. Nate destroyed his reputation thanks to Maureen’s scheme, but is now her BFF. Continuity took a long weekend, though I can fanwank this is all his scheme to get Serena for himself. Columbia has made Nate much smarter.
- Jenny is shocked to learn from Blair that Eric was the mastermind behind the loss of her Cotillion date. Eric’s response when she confronts him: “Your sweet potatoes are bland.” Awesome!
- CeCe reveals she has been in remission since August — two months before Lily returned. Maybe Lily just wanted to avoid Rufus.
- Blair accuses Eleanor of being both pregnant and menopausal. She denies it, explaining she is planning to move to Paris permanently. They realize Dorota is the one who is pregnant!
- Maureen shows the tape of the elevator tryst to Serena, threatening to release the tape unless she stays away from Tripp.
- Lily sees the video of her daughter’s skanky ways. It brings up her past issues with cheating men and she tells Serena that until she leaves Tripp she is unwelcome in her house. Oh, snap.
- Gabriella and Vanessa argue about Gabriella blowing off seeing Hair with Vanessa so that she could talk to a homeless veteran. Hee!
- Everyone who can storm out does. Much of the delicious turkey is left uneaten.
- Dan tells Gabriella that Vanessa just wants her to spend more time with her. She thinks Dan is in love with Vanessa but warns him to be sure before he tells her anything because it could ruin their friendship. If only she knew about the threesome.
- The miracle of Dan solves Vanessa and Grabriella’s relationship problems. Mercifully this happens off camera. Dan encourages Vanessa to have a drink with the theater guy from last episode.
- Eric tells Jenny that he thought if he could take her down once she’d realize what a bitch she became. He warns her to watch her back. Eric texts someone that Jenny knows and they have to strike.
- Vanya is thrilled Dorota is pregnant! Hooray for the only normal relationship on this show.
- Tripp blames Nate for ruining his life. You would think he would be more understanding given that Nate publicly took the blame for Maureen’s scheme. Nate has consistently acted in Tripp’s best professional interest. But the congressman is determined to score some 18 year old ass.
- Chuck thinks Nate should tell Serena how he feels about her. Did they have a heart to heart that I missed?
- Tripp tells Serena he is willing to sacrifice his career for her. Blair changes her tune for some reason and now supports Serena’s quest to become a political scandal. Continuity, wherefore art thou?
- Serena and Blair open Bart’s safe and find the letters that Serena’s Dad sent. Why didn’t Lily burn them? That is some ineffective scheming, Lily.
- Serena tells Lily she is leaving town with Tripp and shows her the letter, saying Lily has no right to judge her again. I bet Lily spent her missing two months romancing Serena’s Dad.
- Nate begs Serena to choose him instead of Tripp. I momentarily root for her to pull a Kelly Taylor, but she picks Tripp. Nate is left with only his true love Chuck for comfort.
- Proving Chekov’s rule that if identical coats are introduced in act one, they will get switched in act three, Maureen accidentally leaves with Lily’s coat – with the letter from Serena’s Dad in the pocket. She reads it. Hell hath no fury like a ruthless politician’s wife scorned. Maureen makes Jenny Sanford look like Silda Spitzer.
Next week: Serena crashes and bleeds!
I didn’t know the Empire had hourly rates. – Blair to Serena
This is not your next story for The New Yorker. I’m sending it out to an entirely different magazine. – Nate, to Dan, about the Threesome.
I’m 19! Childhood memories are slipping away already. – Blair
Opening the door is his job, Mom. That’s why he’s called the doorman. It’s not derogatory. – Vanessa
A little Thanksgiving proclamation: you two ever play grab ass in my elevator again and Serena will be staying in an airport Mariott. Happy Holidays. – Chuck
You’ll be a political joke. And you’ll be a punchline. – Maureen, to Tripp and Serena