Remember how a lot of things happened on last week’s episode of 90210? Well, apparently they used up their monthly allotment of plot. This week was pure filler. And the storylines were improperly weighted. Naomi flirting with an environmentalist got way more air time than terminally ill Jackie’s attempt to reconcile with Silver. Here are the five ways this episode went wrong.
1. Nobody puts Jackie in the corner
Alcoholic Jackie has been America’s most entertaining lousy parent since the early 90s. Her attempts to reconnect with Silver could have driven the episode. Instead, it was relegated to a few scenes. Worst of all, what should have been Jackie’s big moment happened off camera. After a chance encounter with Silver at Adrianna’s AA meeting, Jackie buys Silver a sportscar — and attached a card asking her to attend Jackie’s next AA meeting. I would forgive just about anyone who gave me that car, but Silver has other ideas. In the best moment of the episode, Silver takes the mic at the meeting to tell Jackie she’s a terrible mother and she never wants to see her again. Jackie, you just got served! It would have been a great dramatic moment if Jackie had told her, “Your dream is about to come true, Silver, I’m dying of cancer. Who’s the bitch now?” Instead, Jackie calls Adrianna off camera and gets her to break the news to Silver. Way to make things as anti-climactic as possible.
2. Dixon, You Are No Chuck Bass
There were two chance meetings this week on 90210, which is pretty lazy. Dixon’s geriatric girlfriend Sandy chats up Debbie at the nail salon and finally learned that the guy is in high school. She is appropriately repulsed, dumps his ass and rejects Dixon’s repeated pleas for another chance. So far so good. I hoped this ridiculous storyline was over. Instead, they run into each other at the Script concert and she decides they should have goodbye sex. I call bull. There was one fictional 17 year-old who had the skills to please an older woman. He was high school Chuck Bass. Apparently Sandy thinks sex is best when it only lasts a minute.
3. Liam Erases All of Last Week’s Plot Developments
In the previous episode, Liam grew a brain and recorded Jen admitting that they slept together. You would think he would immediately play it for Naomi. Instead, Ryan ends up confiscating the phone for most of the episode. I assumed that since he was Naomi’s boy toy he would end up hearing the recording. That would have been good soapy fun. Wrong. He never listens. Naomi learns that her grades are not good enough for California University. Instead of remembering that everyone in her family went to Yale last year — or perhaps aware that on the CW even if you get into Yale you aren’t going to go — she is determined to scam her way in. So she hires the Dean of Admissions’ son to tutor her for the SAT, pretends to share his interest in environmentalism, and starts dating him. This plan makes no sense. How did she know the guy would be single? Or straight? Why wouldn’t she just get her Dad to make a huge donation to the school? In any event, Liam sees them kiss and deletes the recording. This means there has been no progress in this storyline since the season premiere.
4. Adrianna, Teddy and Navid Repeat All of Last Week’s Plot Developments
Last week, Adrianna kissed Teddy then had guilt sex with Navid. This week, Navid has the swagger of the newly devirginized. Then Teddy invites them on a double date. 90210 aims for cliched by naming the pretty Asian girl Jasmine. Adrianna gets jealous and ends up kissing Teddy. Again. Yawn.
5. Not Enough Annie
I never thought I would type these words, but I wanted to see more of Annie. Now that she’s gone dark, she’s the most interesting character on the show. I cannot figure out whether Jasper, nephew of the Dead Homeless Guy, is diabolically gaslighting Annie or earnestly courting her. If I had seen more of their trip to Dead Homeless Guy’s favorite dim sum restaurant, maybe I would have been able to figure it out. Jasper aspires to make an incredibly pretentious experimental film. I hope it is going to turn out to be a reenactment of his uncle’s tragic demise and he is going to recruit Annie the master thespian to play the role of the hit and run driver. All he does tonight is take her to hear The Script from the roof of the Beach Club. I must admit, that is really sweet. Jasper has now replaced Navid as the guy I would have lusted after in high school.
Put your hand down. You’ve reached the high five limit. – Dixon
I am not going to let some college counselor who wears an ankle bracelet under her stockings get in my way. – Naomi
Think Matthew Barney meets Michael Moore. — Jasper
I wish they would put pictures of choking dolphins on the bottles. Then maybe people would think twice about using them. — Richard The Environmentalist
You did get one thing right, Jackie. You are a terrible mother. The worse of the worst. And if you think that you can buy me back with a car, that’s just proof you don’t know me at all… You are dead to me. – Silver