Melrose Place: Whatever Happened to Original Series Jane?

by | September 30, 2009 at 6:28 AM | Melrose Place, Recap

Melrose Place (The CW)

Melrose Place (The CW)

This was the best episode of Melrose Place yet. If you are not watching, start. If you are watching, tell your friends. This is a grade A guilty pleasure that makes up for everything that is wrong with 90210. It’s the Doctor Who of 90s soap opera remakes.

Kimberly Ripping Her Wig Off (Highlights)

Jane Andrews turns up in the courtyard and announces she’s the new landlord! Josie Bissett looks fantastic and is clearly playing bitchy later seasons Jane. Jane tells Ella that Sydney forwarded her Ella’s threatening e-mails. She wants Ella’s client, actress Abby Douglas, to wear one of Jane’s dresses to a movie premiere. Ella, who apparently is also a stylist now, sells Caleb on the idea. The show’s inaccurate portrayal of what a publicist does bugs me. Jane expects Abby to wear her designs all the time.

The detectives show up to question Violet. She bolts out her apartment window.Violet introduces herself to Jane as Sydney’s daughter. She explains that she is in trouble. Jane acts sympathetic then calls the police. The cops tell Violet her fingerprints were found on the lanyard at the crime scene. She lies that Sydney embraced her as a daughter.

At the premiere, Abby demands a new dress. Ella has brought another one. Jane is pissed. Ella tells David she is going to spread word that Abby hates Jane’s dress, ruining her reputation. David offers to take care of Jane. Ella and David make out. How could she be into Jonah when he is an option? David tells Jane he knows she torched her warehouse to collect insurance money — he learned it from Michael’s files. Jane e-mails Ella that all is forgiven. Ella tells David what happened between them was just a one night stand. Jane sends the cops Ella’s e-mails.

The whole building finds out that Violet is Sydney’s daughter.Violet claims she ran because her adopted parents were monsters, and she stole money from them after she located Sydney. Jonah is convinced she’s psycho.

Lauren’s john Toby wants to see her again. She orders a sparkling water at the bar while she waits for him. I start laughing because a bartender at a fancy hotel once told me that the hookers always order water. A man, played by Sam Page who is best known as Joan’s date rapist husband from Mad Men asks her to be his “date” for the night. This is very amusing if you are a longtime All My Children viewer because it means that both of Kendall’s long lost brothers are in this episode. (Auggie is the other one.) Toby cancels so Lauren agrees to sleep with Joan’s loser husband. Afterwards, he refuses to pay. When she demands money, he shoves her against the wall. The guy is violent in every era. Hotel security tries to have Lauren arrested as she leaves but Nip/Tuck’s Kelly Carlson appears and vouches for her. She is playing a Madam who appears to have an exclusive arrangement with that hotel. She warns Lauren not to come back. Lauren reconsiders and asks to work for her. Kimberly as Heidi Fleiss is going to be awesome.

Allison And Billy Fighting Over Refrigerator Space (Lowlights)

This episode forced me to identify with Jonah. His film school roommate wrote the screenplay for Abby’s movie and he feels both jealous and inferior. I have a bad flashback to running into my freshman roommate’s boyfriend on the WGA picket line and discovering he is a hugely successful television writer now. My sympathy wanes when Jonah whines that he has been in L.A. for a whole year and a half. Hey, Jonah, call me when you win an Emmy then lose your job and find yourself recapping television shows for the internet. Jonah learns that his friend got his big break by caddying for an agent. At the premiere, Riley chats up the agent making Jonah look great. Who knew Riley was a born networker? She bails when Violet — who she barely knows — calls from jail, but Jonah manages to persuade the agent to watch his film.

David makes out with a girl in a car. He notices he is being followed. Auggie’s restaurant is catering the premiere party. He’s gunning for a promotion. David offers to fill in for a waiter who canceled. At the party, David sees the guy who was following him. He accuses him of working for Michael and punches him. David gets fired. The chef tells Auggie he has no chance of being promoted.

Quotes

“Actress? Singer?” “Future stripper.” — the detectives on Violet

“I can certainly see the family resemblance. She has Syd’s fangs.” — Ella

“Bras are for breeders.” – Abby

“This is the part where the audience stands up and starts screaming, ‘hello she’s the killer’” – Jonah