American Idol: Tohn-Deaf, Hip Thrusts, And An Early Favorite

by | February 18, 2009 at 8:02 AM | American Idol, Recap

We all knew going into last night’s American Idol that if your name isn’t Danny, you’re likely screwed. Only three out of twelve are moving on after last night’s live show. One guy, one girl, and then the next highest vote-getter. The judges say they’ve all got to knock them out of the park vocally in order to be in that upper thirty-third percentile. Let’s see who forgets their nerves and gets on America’s good side.

Jackie Tohn, “A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis
Jackie Tohn decided to forget about hitting the right notes and instead focused on screaming into the mike while having epileptic seizures. And she was dressed like a slutty Minnie Mouse. Randy says the vocals were not good but appreciated her “energy.” Simon redeemed the judges’ reputations by calling her performance gimmicky and silly. Amen.

Ricky Braddy, “A Song For You,” by Leon Russell
It’s never good to tackle a song that previous contestants are remembered for. This song was Elliot Yamin’s breakthrough performance a couple seasons ago. While Ricky did the song justice, it clearly didn’t live up to Elliot’s version. That being said, the vocals were spot on and far less migraine-inducing than Jackie. Randy clarified that he officially started off Season 8 (in your face, Tohn-deaf). Kara called it effortless, while Simon thinks he should work on his star quality.

Alexis Grace, “Never Loved a Man,” by Aretha Franklin
This is a big song for such a little girl, and Alexis was this close to actually pulling it off. Her voice did crack a couple of times, but her beautiful rich tone and stage presence masked any flaws. Kara likes her new sexed up image (note to self: buy pink hair dye) and Simon says she’s the dark horse of the competition. Then he compares her to Kelly Clarkson, which is presumptuous. She’s not there yet.

Brent Keith, “Hick Town,” by Jason Aldean
There’s really not much to say about Brent. He’s got a nice country voice and could probably carve out a nice little niche for himself in the competition. Thankfully, he’ll get a little more attention for the tape snafu, but other than that, he’s forgettable. Paula actually compares him to Bucky Covington and Randy could see him at a Chili Cook-off. Get this… that was supposed to be positive feedback.

Stevie Wright, “You Belong,” by Taylor Swift
OMG ur crazy grl. Wut r u doin? Spare me, please. This girl is clearly auditioning to be the next Jonas Brother girlfriend, or perhaps to be an extra in the next High School Musical movie. The judges all pretty much hated the song choice. Simon called her performance terrible about eight times over and said she has no chance of making it through. The audience boos, but secretly knows he’s right.

Anoop Dasai, “Angel of Mine,” by Monica
Ten bucks says Anoop sang this song at his 7th grade talent show. He’s vocally on par, even if it is a little nasal. It’s just confusing because in his taped piece he went on and on about bringing energy and then he comes out with this snoozer. The judges try their best to boost him up though (they clearly want him to move on to the Top 12). Simon acknowledged that while it was a too grown-up song for him, his massive likeability will drive him forward in the competition.

Casey Carlson, “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic,” by The Police
Which of her fellow contestants recommended this song for her? It was obvious sabotage. Everything was bad. Very bad. There’s really no other way to describe it. Kara blasts her for choosing a Police song. Paula practically pats her head and compliments her for at least being pretty.

Michael Sarver, “I Don’t Want to Be,” by Gavin DeGraw
Will someone please pull this song out of Idol’s rotation? Been there, done that. Compared to the other guys who have done this song, Sarver falls flat. He’s not even as good as his country counterpart, Brent Keith. He throws in several unnecessary runs and hip thrusts. This guy is destined to be singing in the back of a country saloon. Randy likes his voice but notices that the pitch was off.

Ann Marie Boskovich, “Natural Woman,” by Aretha Franklin
Yet another sub-par singer picking a song way too big for her voice. We had such high hopes for you, Ann. But your pitchy shouting is not going to cut it. Trust me. Randy doesn’t much like the song choice either. Kara feels that it’s too old-fashioned for her age. Paula actually thinks Ann did better than in the Hollywood round, which makes me worry a bit.

Steven Fowler, “Rock with You,” by Michael Jackson
Simon summed it up quite nicely: “I wish you had forgotten the lyrics.” Bwahaha! We’ve all pretty much hated this guy since he forgot the lyrics to a David Cook song and then promptly stormed off the stage. This time around, he remembered the lyrics but paired the song with cheesy disco moves and a terrible arrangement. Paula said that this was Steven’s kiss of death. He actually makes me miss Chikezie.

Tatiana Del Toro, “Saving All My Love for You,” by Whitney Houston
Tatiana is sick of people calling her crazy, so she decided to be bipolar instead. She emerges from her padded cell with a new outlook on life and has decided to be dull and demure tonight. We can make fun of her all we want, but you have to admit that Tatiana can really sing. She pulls off a technically good version of the song, even if it was missing that extra oomph. Simon thinks it’s all part of her act to be as famous as possible. She doesn’t deny it. And that’s why we love her.

Danny Gokey, “Hero,” by Mariah Carey
Oh geez, here we go. America will go gaga over this guy. First and foremost, he can sing extremely well. His vocals are amazing. That being said, this song choice sucked. It’s never OK to sing this song. Yes, he’s overcome a tragedy. But the symbolism that’s being forced down our throats is exhausting. Kara wants us to know how much she loves Danny by reenacting the orgasmic Herbal Essences commercial. Paula thinks Danny will sell out arenas (maybe small ones), but Simon only thought it was good, not great.

So there you have it America. The first round of voting is now in your hands. Let’s just presume Danny is a shoo-in, shall we? That leaves one girl, and then the next highest vote getter. Will the girl be Alexis, who performed a solid rendition of an Aretha song? Or will it be Tatiana, who toned down the crazy but has the support of VoteForTheWorst.com?