Welcome to our halftime extravaganza, where characters battle it out for Soaper Bowl supremacy.
Coach of the Year
Coach Eric Taylor (Kyle Chandler) leads his team to the Texas state high school play offs every year. He’s also a surrogate father to a group of boys struggling with the problems of men, as well as the best damn husband on television. Whitey Durham (Barry Corbin) is also a great coach, dispensing pearls of wisdom to the teens on his basketball team.
The Winner: No contest. Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose. Also, we at Fancast object to the characters named Whitey. FNL’s Eric Taylor, 63-0.
90210′s Christina (Lauren London) is an atypical TV cheerleader. First of all, she cheers for the Lacrosse team. Second, she’s bisexual, with an equally pretty girlfriend, appealing to the all important dirty old man demographic. FNL’s Lila (Minka Kelly) gave up cheerleading after temporarily becoming an Evangelical Christian. God proved no match for sex with Tim Riggins, but she never did go back to her pom poms.
The winner: As Tim Riggins once said, “You’re an amazing cheerleader and I think you have that same feeling I get when I play, that nothing-else-matters feeling,” Lila Garrity easily defeats plot device Christina, 28-7. This is starting to look like FNL’s day.
Life of The Superbowl Party
The youngest son of Manhattan’s uberrich family, Jeremy Darling (Seth Gabel), once threw himself a birthday party on the Broolyn Bridge where he stripped down to his underwear and sang “All By Myself.” Serena’s (Blake Lively) still in high school but is already a fixture on Page 6, starring in fashion shows and appearing at the hottest nightclubs. She’s such an It Girl that Yale wanted to put out a press release when she was accepted.
The winner: Serena, because she always wins, whether or not she deserves it. 14-7
Most Shocking Wardrobe Malfunction
This category was so big it required three contenders. Vanessa (Jessica Szohr) inadvertently showed the world her whole body is alternative when she wore a see through dress to the snowflake ball. Nobody can forget when ditzy Donna (Tori Spelling) couldn’t walk in her mermaid Halloween costume. She wore numerous ridiculous outfits, so of course she became a fashion designer because on TV, bad, over the top clothes = style. When people talk about the return of 80s fashion, they mean 80s teen fashions. Those were bright and fun. But Dynasty showcases just how bad the clothing of the era was for women of a certain age. Sweet Krystal (Linda Evans) wore baggy pastel satin sacks accessorized with four foot wide shoulder bads, while an entire zoo must have been slaughtered to create Alexis’s (Joan Collins) giant fur coats and hats. For formal occasions, they wore head to toe garush sequins — and there were nothing but formal occasions on Dynasty,
The winner: Dynasty’s Krystle and Alexis, because those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. 35-21
Best Halftime Performance
Sydney’s (Laura Leighton) inability to keep a legit job resulted in some of the best stories on MP. When she resorted to stripping, she wore a fetching bowling hat on top of her skimpy attire. Her attempt to be discreet about her new profession was foiled when Michael turned up in the audience. (Sidebar: what do we have to do to get Thomas Calabro back on our television screens on a regular basis?) Uptight Kevin (Matthew Rhys) was hesitant to try karaoke, while his sister Sarah’s spirited perfirmance impressed all his friends. So he finally got up the nerve to give a hilariously bad performance.
The winner: Sydney and Michael were one of the most underrated duos in television history. The two had great chemistry. It was a joy to watch them scheme. They’d eat the Walkers for breakfast then wash them down with a few bottles of wine from William’s vineyard. 35-14