By Tom Rose
Last night on Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List we learned that not only is she the President of The Bear Club for Men… she’s also a client. I learned everything I’ll ever need to know about big burly gay men. They’ve classified themselves as “Bears” and it’s all about teaching the cubs.
Speaking of teaching, Kathy’s staff held a seminar at The Learning Annex where they shared the secret to landing that Dream Team Griffin gig: sheer dumb luck. Mixed in with plenty of screwball incompetence. Oh yeah, lazy doesn’t hurt either. Of course they pretended to perk up a bit when Kathy and Steve Wozniak slipped in the back door for a little Q & A. She got tired of raising her hand and being ignored so she called Jessica on her cell. Jessica rudely hangs up, as usual.
At the TCA press tour last Tuesday, Florence Henderson described the marriage between her former Brady Bunch son Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry a hoax engineered by producers of the VH1 show My Fair Brady to enhance ratings. Well, Curry, the outspoken winner of America’s Next Top Model, fired back through her rep. A statement sent to Fancast.com by her publicist reads:
“For Florence Henderson to use the Television Critic’s Association as a platform devoted only to disrespecting another individual who is completely unrelated to the Television movie she was supposed to be promoting is grossly unprofessional, irresponsible and immature. Ms. Henderson has been in this business a long time and should know better by now. Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry never asked Florence Henderson (an actress) for counseling. Ms. Henderson doesn’t personally know Adrianne Curry so she has no basis in which to publicly voice inaccurate and hurtful judgmental opinions about Ms Curry or Knight’s decision to marry her.
For the record; Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry enjoy a solid healthy relationship in a happy marriage.”
PS: Henderson is a licensed hypnotherapist counseled Knight in the show’s first episode.
As if that weren’t enough mischief, she gets The Dog Whisperer to come over and deal with her humping problem. Seems her gay dogs can’t keep their paws off each other. So far she’s put up with it. After all, they are her most loyal fans.
That’s just life at home. She reveals she doesn’t spend much time there, but no matter where Kathy goes, it’s always a road show. How does brunch with old friends Molly Shannon and Megan Mullally sound? You know, right before your show at Madison Square Garden… Well guess who’s gushing now? The girls were positively green with envy and full of questions about what it’s really like to be an A+ D-Lister. Although KG usually puts on the “Who Me?” act, this is one time where we see the glint of supreme satisfaction in those clever eyes. D-List my ass. But she’s knocked down a peg by the Guide Dog Foundation guy who decries her “disgraceful ego” and “shameless promotions.” Still, she knocks off his crummy PSA in one take. Kathy can still pull it together when she has to.
And she soon has to. When it’s time to go to The Bear Club Convention, Steve shows up with a gift hand crafted by a dear friend. A roll of toilet paper made from Two Dollar Bills. It’s official. Wozniak wipes his ass with money.
Unfortunately, Kathy can’t afford to do that just yet. That’s why she’s all about the merchandise. When she visits The Bear Maul to pick up a few novelty items, she’s knocked breathless by the bucks being blown. Why isn’t her line doing as well? It’s time for a devious plan. At the KG booth in the theater she pits Steve against Team Griffin. It turns out Wozniak is a natural born salesman. He doubles the totals. Unless you count the T shirts and photos he simply gave away. Good thing Jessica’s got his Billionaire Master Card number.
Kathy is a big hit in the forest. Goldilocks is given the most comfy bed in the den. In fact they treat her like a Goddess. And there’s a moment of proof when she leaves her dressing room to cheer up the dehydrated Mascot, who’s nearly fainted inside his woolly bear costume. When he looks up and sees her beaming face, he has a White Light Tunnel moment and actually revives a bit. Now that’s star power.
Kathy needs to come back to earth and de-Oprahfy. That’s why she’s giving something back. Next week she flies to Mexico to open her version of a School for Girls. She’s building it with her own two hands, and from the looks of things, it’s going to take more than a few trips to Home Depot. Don’t forget the toilet paper.