Crock, Er, Rock Of Love

by | January 29, 2008 at 7:22 PM |

by Kennedy
Reality Remix Host

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I have never been emotionally invested in Bret Michael’s personal decisions, and frankly I’ve never cared who dates or falls in love with, but for the sake of my sanity and for the sanctity of reality dating shows I’d like him to invest in my entertainment. I am one of those flannel nightie wearing grandmas who watches ever season of the Bachelor, and although I bash the concepts as being backward and implicitly sexist I still consider myself an optimist.

And though I know these VH1 shows are soundly taking the piss out of the Bachelor as an institution that takes itself too seriously, I still hold out hope that one of these spin-off throwbacks will find love. I strive for emotional investment, I long to get wrapped up in unfolding love triangles and real love that might be reduced from the confusion. Bret Michaels has left me cold this season, like a corpse boyfriend whose diabetes has left him sour on the sweet side of love.


When Flavor of Love had its second season we all stood up and screamed, “Whaaaaaaa? Can they do that?” The humor and audacity it took for a cavalier pimp like Flav to admit he needed another crack at a new batch of hos went along with the unexpected nature embodied by these spin-offs. Now that I Love New York has had two seasons and Flavor of Love is going into its third we expect even a hack gerbil like Tila Tequila to take another shot at love (and that skank’s second season is in production as we speak), but COME ON! At least TRY once you get there! Bret Michaels is a shadow of himself on this season, and not only is he not taking his quest seriously, he’s not even mocking it by having sex with four or five of these girls at a time. So we are left unromanced and void of entertainment. Bummer.

Did you know slutty augmented girls are heartless skanks? Neither did I! That was the shocking revelation on this week’s episode as harsh Destiney and her crew of soulless concubines launched an all out war on unassuming Kristy Joe. KJ was barely stirring up trouble of her own after she won the Stroller Derby (where last season’s psycho Lacy was woefully underutilized), and the bored bitches were looking for a reason to pounce, and Kristy Joe’s mild sarcasm and post-derby trash talk gave the she-devils motive and blood. Even frontrunner Megan joined in the bitchfest and insulted an unmade-up KJ as a “horror show”. When Kristy Joe won her MVP date with Bret and grilled up some steaks, Destiney and Daisy couldn’t wait to interrupt it with their good-anytime VIP passes. When Destiney rolled up like a common prostitute Bret should have waved her off and warned her against using the pass during his date, instead he disrupted the flow of conversation, threw Kristy Joe to the wolves and gave dirty Destiney the first backstage pass at elimination.

In another out-of-step move Bret eliminated filthy frog Angelique in favor of boring Jessica, stale Ambre and geriatric Catherine. All three of them should have taken a powder before he cut loose David Schwimmer in drag. If you are going to keep the a-holes, bitches and bores, then at least do the loyal viewers a favor and keep in the psychos, train wrecks and foreigners. We need something to bitch about while we’re bored!